Hunting LOTR
by Blue Skies Rusty
Summary: This is what happens when someone decides to hunt LOTR characters and then decides to rent the characters out to needy fan girls. Just something I did for fun.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Okay, so I'm alive. My fics aren't in too good a condition though. I can just picture them now, all bony and skeletal with cobwebs… crumbling into dust and dieing. Hmm… at some point I will remember to work on those. Anyway, to the point. I was reading quizzes on Quizilla and a few fics on FFN when this idea jumped into my head like a kangaroo on crack. Keep in mind it's not perfect and I have no clue whatsoever where it will go but I promise I'll stick with this one through the end. Okay I take that back. I dislike making promises I probably won't keep. Now, Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Anything you recognize, I don't own. That doesn't mean that certain characters don't live in my bedroom. wink wink And you might recognize stuff that you have seen in other fics. I do not own any of that either and probably didn't mean to use it.

**Summery: **Erm… Well, this is what would happen if someone were to open a business and hunt LOTR characters. Oh, dear.

**Special thanks:** (Geez this is getting long) I'd like to give a special thanks to Legolover whose fic 'How To Catch An Elf' was the key inspiration of this.

ON WITH THE FIC!

* * *

_**Chapter One**_

Charlie stood at the window and looked out over the grounds of her mansion. The sun had set and everything was bathed in moonlight. Sighing, she turned from the window and moved over to her desk. Hitting a button on the intercom, she connected herself with security.

"Farber," she said into the intercom.

"Yes, Ms. Willows," came the voice of her butch head guard.

"Will you please get out of the booth at the front gate. The streaker is running through the yard again."

"Aw. Crap," called the burly man. "I'll get on it right away, ma'am."

"Thank you," Charlie said tiredly.

Plopping into her office chair, Charlie put her feet up on her desk. "What to do? What to do," she asked herself quietly. "My inner fan girl has been trying to claw her way out again and fics just won't satisfy her. Last time that happened I wound up getting smacked with a restraining order. Literally."

Charlie steepled her fingers and leaned back in the chair. Her mind raced with thoughts. "I need to prevent that from happening again. But how?"

Getting up, Charlie began to pace. She mumbled to herself. She jotted things down and then crumpled up the paper and threw it away. Charlie did everything she could to help her think of something. She even tied the noodle dance. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally, out of boredom she settled down in front of her computer and started to skim through fan fictions. Finally she came across one titled "How To Catch An Elf" by Legolover. Charlie snapped her fingers as an idea suddenly hit her like a sack of potatoes.

"I've got it!" A sly smirk spread across her face. "I'll catch the characters I want. MWHAHAHAHA!"

There was a knock on the door and Farber poked his head in, cutting Charlie's evil laugh short. "Uh… Ma'am. The streaker got away again…"

"Oh… well… That's okay… I mean, it's not so bad having a streaker run through your yard every night…" She gave a cough. "Is it Farber?"

Afraid of being fired, Farber was quick to agree. "Right. Of course, ma'am."

"Good…"

"Right…"

"You can leave now."

"Yes, Ma'am." And Farber left to return to his post at the front gate of the estate.

Then, Charlie picked up the phone on her desk and made a few calls.

* * *

The next day, Charlie woke up bright and early. "Today's the day," she sang as she jumped out of bed and quickly dressed in camo. She pulled her hair back in a ponytail and dashed down the stairs, bursting through the front doors of her mansion.

Laying on her doorstep were several large crates. On top of one, was a yellow and black book. Charlie picked it up and read the cover. 'Hunting Fictional Characters For Dummies.' After a moment of flipping through, Charlie through the book over her shoulder, accidentally hitting the streaker and knocking him out.

Gracelessly, Charlie attacked the nearest crate which was as tall as she was. Tearing it open, she peered inside. Under all the pink packing foam peanuts, she finally found a sling shot.

"Well, this is useless." Deciding she should keep it anyway, Charlie tucked it into her belt.

The next crate which was half the size of the first one, contained a sniper rifle and a suitcase full of tranquilizers. Under more of the pink packing foam, Charlie found a net, a cardboard box, and rope. Grabbing them all, she ran to her garage and after looking over her large selection of cars, she jumped into a jeep, which she conveniently had for such an occasion.

The wheels spun and Charlie took off. She was in such a hurry that she crashed through her front gate. As she was speeding down the road, a thought hit her like the bug that had just splattered on her windshield.

Charlie asked herself, "How the hell am I supposed to get into Middle Earth?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I don't think I have much to say. Well, actually… Sorry the last chapter was so short and had like, nothing to do with LOTR. Here's Chapitre duex. Which will be longer, have more to do with LOTR and will hopefully be more amusing.

**Disclaimer**: I still don't own anything from The Lord of the Rings. All I own are my copies of the books, the extended versions on DVD and one on VHS, the one poster of Legolas and Gimili, and two talking Gollum/Smeagol action figures which totally rock my socks. I also own the bed in which my favorite characters are welcome to sleep at any time.

Oh, and I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this chapter that you happen to recognize from wherever they come from. .

**Caution: **This chapter pokes fun at the 'uber Sue' as I like to call them. You'll see what I mean when you read the rest of the chapter. Please keep in mind that I do not hate Mary-Sues and I admit to writing them. Even Charlie is Sue-ish. Actually I think all female characters, no matter how original, have some sort of Mary-Sue tendencies (it's pretty much unavoidable) though I could be horribly wrong as I am about most things. Anyway, the point is, please don't hate me for what I write.

Thank you.

* * *

_**Chapter Two**_

The wheels of the jeep kicked up dust as Charlie sped up the dirt driveway. She bounced around in her seat like a rag doll on a bucking bronco. Miraculously, she managed to stop the jeep in front of the small cottage and not run over the hundreds of odd garden gnomes and the flowers that surrounded them.

Jumping out of the jeep, Charlie made her way up to the cottage door and pounded on it ferociously.

"Just a minute," called a sickly sweet voice from inside.

Moments later the door swung open to reveal a leggy blonde woman with sparkling blue eyes and a straight nose. She had the classic princess look to her. The woman's figure was… shapely to say the least, and her massive bosoms were nearly busting out of her tight top. Charlie caught a very powerful and strong whiff of roses and vanilla and nearly gagged but managed to cover it with a cough.

"Can I help you," asked the blonde woman in a breathy, sweet voice.

"Yeah," said Charlie, recovering from her coughing fit. "Are you Mary-Anna Brittany-Sue Rayven Greendamselleaf?"

"Why, yes I am," said the leggy blonde. "But you can call me Alliwyn."

"Eh… Oookay," said Charlie slowly. "So, you're a professional Mary-Sue, right?"

At the mention of her chosen profession, Alliwyn's eyes lit up. "Yes. Yes, I am," she said breathily. "Would you mind coming in?"

Thinking about the horridly strong stench of roses and vanilla that was assaulting her nose, Charlie cautiously nodded and followed Alliwyn into the cottage.

"Please, wait here and I'll bring you some tea," Alliwyn said, gliding out of the room before Charlie could protest.

Looking around, Charlie took in her surroundings. There were pictures hanging from the walls, all the frames occupied by Alliwyn with various men. Charlie recognized Sirius Black, Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Smith, and the entire Fellowship of the Ring.

There were also trophies, ribbons, and awards spread across three large shelves. Squinting at them, Charlie could just make out some of the words on them. 'First Place in the Fatal Wound Healing Contest' and 'Most Beautiful and Musical Voice', were two of the trophies that Charlie could read. There was a ribbon hanging under a photograph of the garden outside, the plaque on the frame read 'Best Garden In The History of Earth.' Charlie couldn't help but snort at that.

Alliwyn gracefully swept into the room, a tray of fine china in her hands. She set the tray down on the table and sat opposite of Charlie.

"So," Alliwyn began after a sip of tea. "You want to be a Sue?"

Charlie opened her mouth the protest but Alliwyn just kept on talking in her breathy voice. "It takes a lot of a hard work. And you'll need a new wardrobe." At this she cast a critical glance at Charlie's fatigues. "And…"

"No, no, no," said Charlie quickly, cutting off Alliwyn. "It's nothing like that. I was hoping you'd tell me how to get into Middle Earth."

For a long moment Alliwyn stared Charlie. "Why?"

With a slight cough, Charlie answered, "Er… Well, I was thinking about… becoming a Mary-Sue like you, but I wanted to um… check out Middle Earth and see if it's really worth it."

Alliwyn asked in her sickeningly sweet voice, "And what is in it for me?"

"Uh…" Charlie cast around for something to say but came up empty handed. "Nothing," she said honestly. At the horrified look on Alliwyn's face, she quickly added, "Nothing except… the uh… satisfaction of knowing… that you helped out a girl in need."

"I'll do it," exclaimed Alliwyn, suddenly while standing and striking a ridiculous pose. "Out of the kindness of my heart. I'll help you."

"Um… thanks," said Charlie, watching the other woman with a mixture of confusion and wariness.

"Follow me." Alliwyn led Charlie from the living room and into the basement of the cottage. "So tell me the specifics."

"Excuse me," asked Charlie as she looked around at the junk that was neatly organized in the large basement. A red curtain divided the basement in half, completely hiding the other side.

"The specifics," repeated Alliwyn as she walked along the shelves of odd and ends. "Where in Middle Earth you want to go. How you want to look when you get there. What abilities you want to have. The specifics."

"Abilities," questioned Charlie instead of answering Alliwyn.

Nodding she said, "Abilities such as flight, control over an element, telepathy, the ability to make even the most chaste of men fall in love with you. The last one is how I got Legolas." Alliwyn gave Charlie a wink

Slightly freaked out, Charlie's eyes widened. "Um… right. Anywhere in Middle Earth would be fine and… going the way I am would be a million times better."

Alliwyn frowned slightly. "No plot holes then? I have plenty." She opened the curtains and revealed a few dozen holes in the floor. "You could be a hobbit that follows Frodo and the others . Or Aragorn's long lost sister…"

"No. That's quite alright," said Charlie trying hard to decline nicely. "I'm just going in to test it out, remember?"

"Right," said Alliwyn in her usual bright, sweet, breathy voice. "You would want a Modern-Girl-Falls-Into-Middle-Earth kind of thing."

"Uh… sure." Charlie's brow wrinkled in confusion.

"I have just the thing," Alliwyn practically sang. And from a shelf she produced a small music box made of redwood. "This is the magic music box I used to get me into Middle Earth for the seventy-fifth time." She gave a romantic sigh and got a faraway look in her eyes. "That was the time I was saved by Faramir and we fell in love. Sadly, I died protecting him when he went to fight in Osgiliath." A single tear shimmered in Alliwyn's bright blue eyes.

"Right," said Charlie at length. "So… how does it work?"

Sniffling and brushing away a tear, Alliwyn held the box up so Charlie could get a better look at it. "All you have to do is turn the little wind-up on the bottom," she showed Charlie the small silver piece on the bottom that made the music box work, "and watch the little ballerina elf. As the song ends you will fall asleep and wake up in Middle Earth."

"Where in Middle Earth will I wake up," asked Charlie, studying the box carefully.

Alliwyn shrugged and wrinkled her perfect brow. "I'm not too sure. Wherever the music box decides to take you."

"Okay… how do I get back?"

"Just do the same thing you did to get there," said Alliwyn as if she were talking to a small child.

Charlie took the music box from as she asked, "Will I be able to bring anything with me?"

"Oh, yes," said Alliwyn with an award winning smile. "All you have to do is touch it while you're sleeping and voila, it goes with you. Oh, and don't worry about dieing. You'll end up where you left Modern Earth if you do and you won't be harmed at all."

Charlie nodded. "Perfect. When do you need this back?"

"Oh, you can keep it," said Alliwyn, flashing another bright smile. "I've plenty other ways of getting into various worlds and you'll need it more than me."

"You're too kind," said Charlie sarcastically and with a malicious smile.

Oblivious to Charlie's tone, Alliwyn smiled shyly and ducked her head to hide the blush that spread across her porcelin cheeks. "It was really no trouble… Would you like to stay for a bit and chat?"

"Eh… No. I really should be going." Charlie began to back up the stairs and away from Alliwyn. "Thanks again for your help."

Alliwyn giggled. "Would you like me to show you out?"

"No. That's quite alright, I think I can find my own way."

"Well, tell me how that works for you," said Alliwyn breathily.

"Suuure." With that, Charlie raced up the stairs and out the door.

Once out in the garden, she took deep breaths of the fresh air. It felt so good to be away from the stiflingly strong smell of roses and vanilla. Charlie dropped the music box on the passenger's side seat. Knocking the jeep into reverse, she went backwards down the long dirt driveway, narrowly avoiding a tree as she went.

Once on the road again, Charlie drove to a secluded spot which was a good distance from Alliwyn's cottage. Cutting the engine, Charlie looked at the back seat of the uncovered jeep to make sure she had everything.

Tranquilizers- check

Tranquilizer gun- check

Net- check

Cardboard box- …check

Slingshot- check

Rope- double check

She was ready. Picking up the music box, Charlie flipped it over and turned the crank three times. Setting back down on the seat beside her, she opened the lid. Immediately a little elven female in a pink tutu began to turn slowly on one foot and the music began to play.

"What the…" thought Charlie. "Is that a Slipknot song?"

Shrugging it off, Charlie watched the little ballerina spin around and around. Impatiently she waited to fall asleep so she could wake up in Middle Earth like she was supposed to.

The song began to slow down until it hit its last note. Charlie glared at the music box and gave the elf a death glare.

"What bullsh- AHHHH!" Charlie's sentence ended in a high pitched scream of horror.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Okay. A special thanks to my only reviewer so far, Manwathiel. You made my day and as a reward, here's capitulo tres. Bon appetit.

**Disclaimer:** is a fun word to say in different accents. It also means that I don't own anything you recognize… I just wish I did.

* * *

_**Chapter three**_

For a brief moment the narrator stared blankly at the screen, trying to remember where she left off. As the drool that hung from her mouth hit the desk, she was suddenly shocked into remembrance.

"What bullsh-AHHHH!" Charlie's sentence ended in a scream of horror.

Under the jeep, the ground had opened up with a horrible noise which sounded an awful lot like the ground opening up below you. The jeep and everything in it, fell through the massive hole which promptly closed itself up again.

Still screaming, Charlie managed to crack an eye open and looked around her. Much to her surprise she wasn't falling through frightening darkness with large boulders all around her. Instead she was falling rapidly from the sky.

"Well, that's weird," Charlie thought, as she looked around. Then she remembered she was supposed to be screaming and began to do so again.

* * *

"Look Gutdrag," said one orc to the other as they stood in an open field. "I found some!"

Gutrdrag hobbled over to his friend. "Oh and they are pretty." Bending down he carefully plucked a daisy. "They'll go perfect on you, Fartharp."

"Really," asked Farthrap. "Well, no where near as good as you look in the garland of pink flowers we made yesterday."

Gutdrag was about to protest the compliment when his ears caught a strange noise. "Shh! I think I hear something."

"What is it," asked Fartharp, slightly panicked. "We can't let the others catch us picking flowers. They'll feed us to the wargs in an instant."

"Shh," hissed Gutdrag as he looked around for the source of the noise. "I don't see anything…"

Looking at the ground, Fartharp saw a strange shadow cast on the ground around them, growing larger by the second. "Gutdrag," he said, without tearing his eyes from the shadow. "What do you suppose would make a shadow like that?"

Turning and looking down, Gutdrag looked at the shadow. It was oddly square and growing rapidly. "I don't know…" he trailed off and looked up at the sky.

Both orcs gave terrified screams and began to run in circles. For a moment it looked as through they were going to get away but they crashed into each other. Together they fell to ground and upon seeing the massive screaming metal thing continuing its course straight for them, they threw their arms over their heads and screamed.

_SPLAT!_

"That's an odd noise for a jeep to make when it hits the ground," mused Charlie. "I was expecting more of a crash… oh, well."

Shrugging it off, Charlie turned the key and sped off. She had no idea where in Middle Earth she was but she knew for certain that she wasn't in Modern Earth anymore. Unless she managed to fall through the ground and all the way through the Earth only to come out in someplace like New Zealand. That, however, was unlikely.

After a few hours of driving aimlessly, Charlie came across a city hidden behind a wall with large doors. She pulled the jeep up next to the doors and banged on them.

"Welcome you Bree," came the voice of a cranky old man on the other side. "May I take your order?"

"Yeah," said Charlie. "How much for a cheeseburger?"

"Fifteen gold," called the old man. "Seventeen for extra cheese."

"I don't have that kind of money," called Charlie. "How much are the fries?"

"Ten gold."

"Did you say 'ten?'"

"Yes," shouted the angry old man.

"That's a lot… do you have anything for.." Charlie dug through her pockets. "What can I get for a ball of lint, a paper clip, and a wad of chewed gum?"

"Free advice," he called through the door.

Charlie blinked a few times. "Free advice? Why would I need to give you this stuff if it's free?"

"Do you want it or not," barked the old man.

"Fine," Charlie shouted back.

"My free advice to you is… GET A MOVE ON! You're holding up the line!"

"Okay, okay. Geebus. I'll go if you tell me where the Shire is."

A slot in the door was thrown open and the man stuck his head out. When he caught sight of Charlie's jeep he drew back slightly and eyed it suspiciously.

"What is that," he croaked.

Looking from her jeep to the old man, Charlie said, "This? This is a… new breed of dragon." She revved the engine. "If you don't tell me where the Shire is _now_, it'll eat you."

Frantically, the man pointed in the direction Charlie had been going. "That way. But you'll have quite the time trying to get over the Brandywine Bridge in that."

With a feral smile, Charlie threw on a pair of sunglasses. "Oh, I'm not worried about that, at all. This baby had four wheel drive."

Then she sped off, leaving the old man in a cloud of dust because the author/narrator (nauthator?) is too tired to think of anything else. Where will Charlie's adventure lead her? If you're seriously asking that, you might want to get your memory checked because it was clearly stated she was going to the Shire.

* * *

**A/N:** Hope that was okay. I wrote it under the influence of teddy grahams which my niece keeps stuffing down my throat for some reason. I wish I could have given the orcs better names but I was at a loss at the moment. R/R, if you'd be so kind. 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Ehm… I don't really have anything to say except that the Dido song 'Thank You' is stuck in my frickin' head and won't come out. This chapter will actually have Charlie hunting members of Fellowship.

Readers: FINALLY!

Shush, you!

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own anything you recognize, though I am contemplating kidnapping certain characters. Mwhahaha!

Now, without further ado. Kapitel vier.

* * *

_**Chapter four**_

The jeep slowed to a stop in the middle of a small field. Charlie cut the engine, thinking of how unlucky she was not to have stumbled across a glade or something. Crossing the Brandywine River had been a real pain in Charlie's non-existent balls and she was more than frustrated that finding a good place to hide the jeep was going to be harder than she thought.

'Oh, well,' she thought. 'Let them see me.'

Reaching into the glove compartment, she pulled out a copy of a Fellowship of the Ring which she just so happened to carry around in her car. Who wouldn't?

Flipping through the pages, she came to a stop at the map of the Shire. Charlie's eyes skimmed the map quickly until they found the word 'Marish'. Standing on her seat, Charlie turned slowly, trying to get her bearings. Deciding which direction would be best, she settled down again and started up the jeep, tearing up grass as she sped off.

When she reached Farmer Maggot's place, Charlie realized that it had been an absolute miracle that no one spotted her. She parked the jeep just outside of farmer's property and stood on her seat again. Looking at the farm, she tried to discern any signs that hobbits had been stealing from the farmer. Aggravated at her rotten luck, she dropped into her seat and pulled out the map again.

"Well," she mumbled to herself, "I'll just have to start with a different one."

Then she took off towards Hobbiton. The jeep bounced her around much like it had when she was going up Alliwyn's driveway. The thought of the pro sue made Charlie shudder, which made her hand slip on the steering wheel, which made her almost crash into a wagon drawn by two ponies.

Slamming on the brakes, the jeep skidded to a halt. It stopped mere inches from the wagon and the petrified hobbit that sat in it. Charlie jumped out and checked her jeep for any damage, which was kind of silly because how much damage could a wooden wagon do to a jeep?

Looking up at the hobbit, Charlie removed her sunglasses. "Hello," she said cheerily.

The hobbit opened his mouth and then closed it. After several minutes of this, he still didn't speak.

"That's a very impressive imitation of a fish." Smiling, Charlie moved closer causing the hobbit to slide backwards in his seat on the wagon. "What's your name?"

"S-a-uh-do-baba-looey-coo," stammered the hobbit.

"You look more like a Sam to me," said Charlie conversationally.

Still imitating a fish, the hobbit nodded.

"Sam.. wise," she questioned.

Again the hobbit nodded, staring wide-eyed at Charlie.

"Yay!" She clapped her hands together excitedly. "You're coming with me."

Before the hobbit could protest, Charlie had picked him up and carried him back to her jeep. She tied him up with some of the rope and set him down in the back seat.

"You might want to hang onto something," Charlie said as she adjusted her review mirror. "It's going to be a bumpy ride. You hobbits really ought to look into paving your roads. It's a lot less painful on your arse that way."

Charlie drove through Hobbiton, smiling and waving at the hobbits. Strangely enough, they didn't smile _or _wave back. Instead they stared in horror. And some of them even ran away screaming!

After winding up the road she came to a stop in front of Bag End. "I'll be right back," she said, giving Sam a pat on the head and grabbing the net from the very small space in the very back of the jeep.

Looking through a window, Charlie caught a glimpse of a small head with dark curly hair. Frodo was in the middle of making tea. Checking the other windows, Charlie saw that Bilbo was nowhere to be found.

"Perfect," she murmured to herself.

Standing near a window, with her back pressed to the grassy hill, Charlie called in a low voice. "Frodo!" Pausing, she listened and then called again, "Frodo!"

"Who's there," came the response.

"It's me. Uncle Bilbo," she called back in her disguised voice. "Can't you recognize your own uncle's voice?"

"You don't sound like Bilbo," Frodo said.

"Well, I am. Come look I'm right outside the window."

There was a long pause. "Why are you outside the window?"

"Eh…" Charlie gave a slight cough. "The… Sackville-Bagginses are watching the front door and I can't get in."

Charlie heard the shuffling of feet and got her net ready. Frodo stuck his head out the window. Quickly, Charlie grabbed him and wrapped him up in the net. Frodo let out a yelp and struggled but to no avail. Charlie had the net slung over her shoulder like a sack and was carrying Frodo out to her jeep.

"Mr. Frodo," cried Sam when the other hobbit was placed next to him in the back.

"Sam," exclaimed Frodo, pausing in his struggle to free himself of the net. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, Mr. Frodo," Sam replied with a worried look to Charlie who had just got into the driver's seat. "She nearly ran into my wagon and killed me. Then she asked me name and tied me up."

"Hold on, boys," Charlie called over her shoulder. She knocked the jeep into reverse and went backwards down the hill at alarming speed. At the bottom she pulled out her book with the map and looked it over again. "Next we'll pick up the other two."

"What other two," asked Frodo, sounding braver than he felt. "What are you going to do to us?"

Turning in her seat to look at the hobbits, Charlie smiled. "Don't worry, Frodo. I won't hurt any of you." Frodo opened his mouth to ask another question but Charlie held up her hand, silencing him. "All questions will be answered _after_ the ride. Thank you."

After a minute of studying her map, Charlie turned back to the hobbits in her jeep. "Now, where do you suppose I'll fine Merry and Pippin?"

"Probably Farmer Maggot's crops," muttered Sam darkly.

Nudging his gardener, Frodo exclaimed in a hiss, "Sam! Do you really want her to catch Merry and Pippin too?"

"Farmer Maggot's is actually the first place I went but they weren't there." She glanced at the map again and said, "Maybe they're out causing trouble somewhere else… Other than Farmer Maggot's where do they go?"

The hobbits exchanged looks before giving Charlie stony-faced and very mute looks. Seeing that neither was going say anything, she gave a sigh and put the book down on the passenger's side seat. "Fine. We'll just drive around until we find them."

_Four Hours Later_

The jeep slowed to a stop in another field close to Brandy Hall. The engine purred as Charlie glanced around at her surroundings, trying to decide which way to go. There was left, right, straight, backwards, left-straight, straight-straight-left, etc..

Sam gave the back of Charlie's head a glare before he turned and looked out over the field. He was fully prepared to sulk when he caught a glimpse of a hobbit in the distance. Squinting, he tried to make out who it was. The bright yellow weskit was a dead giveaway.

Nudging Frodo, Sam caught his attention. Silently he nodded in the direction of the hobbit who was walking on the outskirts of some woods. Frodo's eyes widened slightly and he glanced at Sam.

"I think we should go that way," Frodo said. Through his net he pointed in the opposite direction of Merry.

Charlie glanced at him in the review mirror before looking in the direction he pointed. "Why? I'm kind of partial to going straight."

"Straight is good," Sam added quickly.

Charlie's eyes narrowed and she gave the hobbit's a critical look via the mirror. "So, you two want to go either that way," she pointed in the direction Frodo had, "or straight?" They nodded and her eyes narrowed further. "So what exactly is in that direction," she pointed toward where Merry was walking, oblivious to the jeep, "that you don't want me to see?"

"Nothing," Sam and Frodo chorused.

"Oh, really?" Charlie turned and looked to where Merry was. "Nothing, eh?"

Slamming her foot to the gas, Charlie turned the jeep and took off towards Merry. The two hobbits in the back gave terrified screams and attempted to hold onto something.

Hearing the screams, Merry looked up and saw the jeep barreling towards him like a bat out of hell. Merry yelped before turning and dashing into the woods, running as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Ignoring the fact that there were trees all around her, Charlie drove the jeep straight into the woods. The two hobbits bounced around violently as did Charlie. With one hand on the wheel, Charlie reached over and popped the glove compartment open again. Reaching she groped around for a moment until she pulled out a fishing rod. Yes, a fishing rod.

Merry made it, gasping, to the Buckleberry ferry. Quickly, he untied the ferry and began to drift away down the Brandywine. He leaned over, hands on his knees and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

Charlie slammed on the brakes and the wheels locked, sliding to a stop a foot or so from the end of the dock. Standing on her seat, Charlie picked up her fishing rod and cast it out. The little hook snagged the back of Merry's yellow weskit which made Charlie smile happily. Slowly, she began to reel him in.

At the tugging on his weskit, Merry looked up. To his horror, a the crazy girl in the fatigues was standing in her metal monster with a fishing pole. His eyes followed the line and he gasped when he found it was hooked to his shirt. Frantically, Merry tried to grab the hook but it was in that one annoying unreachable place on his back.

With a splash, Merry fell into the water. Frodo and Sam called out his name, leaning forward to se if he was alright. Moments after he fell in, Merry emerged, gasping for breath. Charlie was still reeling him in and Merry was moving steadily backwards towards her. Merry floundered around in the water when he remembered that Charlie was fishing him out of the river.

When the hobbit was finally on the dock, Charlie jumped out of her truck and hurried over with some rope. "Sorry," she said when she got to him. "I'd have given you a towel but all I have is rope."

After tying Merry's hands behind his back, Charlie hoisted him up and dropped him into the jeep next to Frodo. The three hobbits just barely took up all the room the seat had to offer.

'Bless their small bottoms,' Charlie thought as she slid into the jeep. She turned towards the three hobbits and smiled. "Three down. One to go."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Okay, thanks again to my wonderful reviewers, both of them.

Manwathiel- hehehe I'm glad you found the jeep chasing Merry so funny. Now that I think about it, that scene kinda reminds me of Ace Ventura; When Nature Calls when Jim Carey is in the monster truck chasing the other guy.

Orlandochick05- Yeah, I've been called strange before but uber is fun to say. And to answer your question, Charlie will be going after Legolas very soon. What would you do with Legolas and Thranduil?

**Disclaimer:** Nothing has changed between now and the last time I wrote a disclaimer. I still don't own anything that is LOTR related and I still wish I owned Pippin and Faramir.

Here is capitolo cinque. Enjoy.

* * *

_**Chapter Five**_

"Merry," Frodo hissed, trying not to be heard by Charlie. "Why weren't you with Pippin?"

With a wary glance at the crazy woman who was studying a map, Merry turned to Frodo and whispered, "His sister dragged him off to shop."

"Shop for what," Sam whispered from the other side of Frodo.

Merry shrugged and opened his mouth to answer when Charlie snapped the book shut. She turned the key in the ignition and the jeep roared to life again, making the hobbits cringe at the noise.

"Here we go," called Charlie to the hobbits as she popped the jeep into gear and hit the gas.

The three hobbits screamed again as the jeep leapt forward and sped through the grassy hills and fields of the Shire.

* * *

"Come on, Pippin," Pearl said, dragging her brother along. "We need some more vegetables."

Hanging his head, Pippin followed after his sister, his arms laden with the purchases they had already made. Pearl hurried off to a stand selling vegetables and began to examine each one. Seeing his opportunity for escape, Pippin slowly backed away from his sister. He saw a younger hobbit lad close by and shoved his sister's purchases into the lad's arms.

Pearl turned from the stand and Pippin quickly ducked behind a keg of ale. "Pippin," his sister said to the young lad. "Hold these cabbages for me."

When she handed the cabbages to the lad and turned back toward the stand, Pippin slipped off again. "Time to find Merry," he said to himself as he began to cut through a field. As he walked, he sang a little ditty to himself and tried to think of something he and Merry could do.

"What's this?" Pippin stopped halfway through the field and looked curiously at one of the strangest things he'd seen. He walked closer to take a look.

A large cardboard box was being propped up by a stick. The stick had a string tied to it which led off into a bush that sat a few feet from the box. Pippin looked in the box and saw a mushroom sitting there.

"A mushroom," he exclaimed gleefully. Pippin crawled under the box and sat, munching the on the mushroom.

In the bush, Charlie watched through the leaves. Once Pippin was under the box, she gave the string a tug. The stick popped out and the box fell atop Pippin, trapping him.

"YES!" Charlie jumped out from the bush. "I did it! I got them all!" She did a little victory dance which included the moonwalk. "I got them! Whoo!"

"Hey!" A muffled voice cried, catching Charlie's attention mid Time Warp. "Who turned out the lights," asked Pippin from under the box.

Charlie lifted the box and peeked under. Pippin sat there, mushroom-less and looking rather sad about it.

"Oh, hello," he said, looking up at her. "Do you have any mushrooms?"

A slow smile spread across Charlie's face. She scooped the little hobbit up and hugged him tightly. "I'll give you a whole mushroom farm!"

Pippin's face brightened. "Really?"

Charlie nodded and carried him around to the other side of the bush where the jeep sat, waiting. She placed him in the seat next to hers and buckled him in. "You just have to sit tight for a minute." Pulling the music box out of her glove compartment, she wound it three time and set it on her dashboard.

Turning to the hobbits she said, "Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. In the event of an emergency, absolutely nothing good will happen. Please hold all questions until after the ride. If you have heart problems, a weak stomach, or a long history of dandruff, this ride is not for you. Should you feel the need to barf during the course of the ride, please turn your head to the nearest exit to do so. If you puke on my upholstery you'll be licking it clean which in itself is a thought that will make you vomit."

Putting on her sunglasses, she placed one hand on the music box and looked at each hobbit. "Everybody ready?"

Merry, Sam, and Frodo all looked rather pale and nervous. The three shook their heads vigorously, looking at Charlie with wide, frightened eyes. Pippin looked at her asked, "When do I get the mushrooms?"

"Here we go." Charlie opened the music box and the Slipknot song began to play. The little elf-ballerina began to spin slowly in her place. Impatiently, Charlie tapped her fingers on the door of her jeep while the hobbits gave each other confused glances.

The last note struck and Charlie let out a sigh. "Finally," she grumbled, placing both hands on the wheel.

Above them, the sky opened up to a gaping black hole and a beam of light surrounded the jeep. The hobbits all let out screams of horror as the jeep shot up through the air almost exactly like it had fallen… only now it was going the other way.

When the jeep passed through the hole in the sky, it closed up again and all was normal in the Shire. Or would have been if not for the tracks that the jeep had left all over the place and the outstanding bills some hobbits had to pay for therapy after seeing the jeep.

* * *

"Ohmigawd, Eliza," said a bubbly blonde girl wearing a Legolas t-shirt. "Like, I just _know_ this is the place."

"Ohmigawd, Kat! I totally know what you mean," said a girl wearing an Aragorn t-shirt. This one had curly auburn hair. "This is like, _so_ the place to get into Middle Earth."

"Yeah," agreed Kat. Then she wrinkled her button nose. "What do we do?"

"Um…" Eliza thought for a moment. "Maybe we're supposed to just like, wait."

Kat nodded. "Yeah! And think really hard about our lovers." Looking down at her Legolas t-shirt she cooed, "Awe! Leggy, my sweet elf. I'll see you soon."

Looking down at her own shirt, Eliza made kissy faces at the picture of Aragorn. "Soon I'll be in Middle Earth, Arie, my love. Then I can like, totally make you fall in love with me instead of the slut Arwen."

The two girls continued the sickly cooing noises at the faces on their shirts. Kat was leaning over, attempting to actually kiss the material. Eliza paused in her cooing and looked up, her perfectly tweezed brows furrowed with confusion.

"Kat," she said as she looked around.

"Mmmf," Kat replied, still trying to kiss the Legolas on her shirt.

Giving her friend a nudge, Eliza said, "Kat! I think I hear something."

Kat stopped and looked up, listening as well. "Yeah, I hear it too." He eyes widened and she turned to her friend. "Ohmigawd! This is it," she squealed delightedly. "We're about to go to Middle Earth!"

"OHMIGAWD!" Eliza also squealed and the two began to jump up and down excitedly. Neither of them noticed that below them, the ground had crumbled away. In fact they were still squealing when they began to fall.

* * *

While she waited, Charlie examined her nails. 'I really should cut them again soon,' she thought.

Behind her, the hobbits had stopped screaming and were talking about the Green Dragon. Sam had a dreamy look in his eyes when Rosie was mentioned and Merry praised the ale excessively. Pippin sat beside Charlie with a contented smile on his face as he looked about curiously. Occasionally he'd point at something in the jeep and ask what it was.

Reaching into her pocket, Charlie pulled out her cell phone and made a call to her estate. One of the butlers picked it up.

"Hello Smith," Charlie said cheerfully. "I'll be coming home in about forty-five minutes."

"Would you like me to draw a bath for you, ma'am," asked Smith in a dull tone.

"No, no," she said happily. "I do need you to run an errand for me though."

"Of course, ma'am," the butler said. "That _is_ why I'm here."

Charlie smiled and glanced at the hobbits. "There's a shopping list on my bedside table. Would you please go to the pet store and get those things for me?"

"Of course, Ms. Willows. Is there anything else you'll be needing?"

"Nope. Just that for now." She paused for a minute and then said, "Actually, when you get the chance would you please write a thank you note to Mary-Anna Brittany-Sue Rayven Greendamselleaf? Tell her that the music box worked great."

"Yes, Ma'am," droned Smith. "Anything else?"

With a loud _THUD!_ and _SMACK!_ two girls landed on the hood of the jeep. One of them, a blonde, wound up with her face pressed against the windshield. The blonde caught sight of the four hobbits and let out an ear-piercing screech.

"OHMIFREAKINGAWD! IT'S THE HOBBITS!"

The red head who was sprawled across Charlie's hood, turned and caught sight of the hobbits as well. She screamed and scurried across the hood, pressing her face against the glass.

Charlie frowned. "That's rather disturbing," she said. "Smith, I need you set up an appointment to disinfect the windshield and hood on my jeep."

"I'll have the appointment made immediately, Ms. Willows," he said with a bored tone.

"Thank you. That'll be all for now." Charlie hung up on her butler and turned her full attention to the two screaming fan girls who had latched themselves onto the windshield. Charlie clicked on the window wipers which smacked into the girls' faces.

_Smack! Smack! Smack!_

Finally one of the wiper's poked the blonde in the eye and she screamed in pain. Grabbing onto her friend, she began to roll about, screaming. The blonde thrashed about so much that she fell off the hood of the jeep, taking the red head with her.

"Hopefully that won't happen very often," Charlie said to the hobbits. Leaning over she looked down to see the girls falling away below them. "I feel bad for whoever gets stuck with those two."

* * *

**A/N:** And I'll leave it there for now. Hope you liked it. R/R! Oh! And before I forget, review and tell me who would want hunted down and what you would to that character when you got him/her. Thank you! 


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Okay, apparently I'm not supposed to answer reviews which is a crap-ass rule if you ask me. So thank you all, very, very, very, VERY much. And thank you for the suggestions you sent in, too. They made me laugh. I love you guys. Oh, and I haven't gotten a picture that a certain reviewer sent me. Hehehe. That didn't count as answering a review (insert angelic smile here).

**Disclaimer:** All the characters and LOTR related stuff all belong to people who aren't me. I just like to play with the characters. I don't own Bickford's either, but one of my relatives owns a few. I swear on Pippin, he does and I love Pippin so you know I'm serious.

Here is capítulo seis. Like it! Or else… I'll cry.

* * *

_**Chapter Six**_

_HOOOONK!_

As she approached the gate, which had been repaired since she left, Charlie honked the horn of her jeep. In the booth just inside the gate, Farber was startled out of a late afternoon nap. Looking up he saw the jeep hurtling towards the gate with no intention of slowing down.

"Aw, crap!" He slammed his fist down on the big red button which triggered the gate to open.

In the nick of time, the gate opened just enough for the jeep to fit through without a scratch. The metal clanged shut behind the jeep and Charlie popped it into reverse, running over the gate anyway.

Turning to Farber she smiled and said, "I never made through without hitting it before. Why start now?" Then she drove up the drive way, the wheels screeching to a halt right outside the heavy oak doors.

Charlie jumped out and reached in the back. She pulled out Merry, Frodo, and Sam and set them all on the ground. As she walked over to the passenger's side, the tree hobbits followed behind her. Frodo had to shuffled his feet in order to get anywhere, thanks to his net. Charlie opened the door and helped Pippin get down.

"Where are my mushrooms," he asked with a small smile.

"Patience is a virtue," Charlie said. Leading the four hobbits up the three front steps, she paused in front of the door and struck a dramatic pose. "Hobbits. Let me be the first to welcome you to your new home."

Charlie pushed on the doors in an attempt to make a grand entrance. They didn't budge. Confused, she gave another push. Still nothing. With a sheepish smile at the hobbits she ran over to the jeep and pulled her keys out.

As she went through the massive ring of keys, Charlie mumbled to herself. "Let's see… bathroom… my room… bathroom… bedroom… another bedroom… another, another bedroom… closet… basement… attic… DVD collection… rotating door… garage… stable… tool shed… out house… gate… car… car… car…" She sighed and continued to go through the keys. "dungeon… handcuffs… mini bar… regular bar… Bickford's." Charlie smiled. "I was wondering where that key gotten to. Smith's room… Farber's booth… security room… meat locker… explosives shed… Ah! Here it is!" She held up a key in triumph before stuffing into the lock and turning it.

Turning back to the hobbits she struck her dramatic pose again. "Hobbits… oh, forget it. The mood's been broken."

Disappointed, Charlie threw the doors open and stepped in. The hobbits exchanged unsure looks before cautiously following her inside. They took one look around at the high ceiling, marble floor, grand staircase, crystal chandelier, and they all went into dead faints.

Groaning, Charlie smacked her forehead. "Why do all my dramatic moments get ruined? SMITH!"

"No need to shout, Ms. Willows." Charlie whirled around to see Smith standing behind her. "I'm right here."

Charlie blinked at him for a moment, slightly creeped out by his stealthy butler ways. "Right… did you get the stuff I asked for?"

He nodded. "Yes, Ms. Willows. I put it all in the third guest room."

"Good, good," she said. There was a moment of awkward silence. "Um… can you take them up there. They've had a long day and need their rest."

Raising an eyebrow, he looked at the four hobbits crumpled on the floor. "And they decided the foyer was a good place to nap?"

"Eh.." Charlie coughed. "Well… they're new to all this… modern… stuff…" Smith's eyebrow raised a little further. "Oh, just get them up their room. And give them baths while you're at it!"

"Yes, Miss Willows. Will you be needing anything else?"

She was about to say no but suddenly remembered something. "Yeah. Dig up that small vegetable garden Cook had going and grow strictly mushrooms."

Smith was used to his mistress's odd requests by now, like when she demanded that a rotating black room door be placed randomly on the third floor. "If that is all…" Charlie nodded and Smith gave a curt nod before turning on his heel to get the household staff to carry out the orders.

With a final look to the hobbits, Charlie shook her head and left the foyer. She went straight to her bedroom and fell face first on the cushy mattress.

* * *

Very slowly, Sam awoke. His vision swam and his head throbbed but everything was coming into focus. Reaching up, he rubbed his eyes and looked around. Startled, he leapt up, wondering where he was. 

The room was sky blue and piled to the ceiling with stuffed animals and toys of various kinds. Placed through the room were four large poufs of varying colors. On each pouf was a hobbit, curled up and sleeping contently with a blanket matching his pouf. Each blanket had the hobbit's name embroidered in flowing, flourishing letters.

"Where in Middle Earth…" Sam began, but stopped when he suddenly remembered he and the other hobbits had been hunted down and tossed in a metal monster and tied up. Well, he, Frodo, and Merry had been tied up, and what not. Pippin had come along willingly.

"Mr. Frodo," Sam cried, rushing over to his master's side and shaking him gently. "Mr. Frodo, wake up!"

Under his blanket, Frodo stirred slightly. "Go away, Sam," he said sleepily. "I'm comfortable."

"Mr. Frodo, the girl. The crazy girl who kidnapped us," Sam said, slightly panicked. "She locked us up!"

Rolling over, Frodo looked at Sam. Then he sat up and looked around the room with awe. His eyes landed on Sam again and he noticed something. "Sam, you're clean." Looking down he said, "So am I."

"Mr. Frodo, what's that around your neck," asked a puzzled Sam.

Reaching a hand up, Frodo grasped a blue collar. He felt a little metal tag and pulled it out to look at it. It had his name engraved in curling letters. "You have one too Sam."

Sam touched his own collar. Both hobbits tried desperately to find a clasp of some sort, anything to get the collars off.

"It's no use, Mr. Frodo," Sam said at last. "We're doomed.

"Don't say that, Sam." Frodo looked around the room. "Let's get the others up and try to escape."

With some difficulty they awoke Merry and Pippin. The two younger hobbits looked around the room with similar reactions to Frodo. When they realized they were wearing collars, they also attempted to take them off.

"Don't bother," Frodo instructed. "We've already tried."

"We have to get out of here," Merry said, eyeing the room for an escape.

Pippin got up and started to examine a toy train. "That girl promised me mushrooms," he pouted.

"The windows are too high up," Sam said, stepping down off a toy chest. "We'd never get down with out gettin' hurt."

Frodo hurried over to the balcony doors and pushed them open. Looking down he realized that the balcony was just as high as the windows and there was no way to climb down. "This is hopeless," he said miserably.

"Have you tried the door," asked Pippin, still examining the toys.

Rolling his eyes, Merry walked to the door. "Do you really think she'd leave us in here and forget to lock the door. Watch." He reached up and turned the knob.

With a faint click, the door swung open. The hobbits all stood and stared.

"I guess she did forget," Frodo said as he got up and crossed the room.

* * *

Munching her toast, Charlie skimmed over that morning's newspaper. Every once in a while her eyes would dart to her right where Smith was standing stiffly. She shifted slightly in her seat and tried to continue reading and eating her breakfast. 

"Smith," she sighed at last. "Will you please sit down. You're really freakin' me out."

"Of course, Ms. Willows," he said taking the seat to her right. "We don't want the mistress of the house being 'freaked out' in any way, now do we?"

She gave him a dirty look before retuning to her newspaper. "Oh, look at that. The Von Hogsnouts have a picture of their new baby in here. Looks just like his father," Charlie said, tapping the photo in the paper.

"Indeed," said Smith in his usual bored drawl. "He has the Von Hogsnout nose."

"Poor kid," muttered Charlie. An idea struck her. "Hey, maybe I should get portraits done of the hobbits."

"I'm sure that will go over nicely," said Smith.

"Can you, for once, try not to be sarcastic." He gave Charlie a look that clearly said 'No.' "Well then can you smile."

With much effort, Smith forced the corners of his mouth to turn from their usual frown into the most ridiculous smile Charlie had ever seen. She cringed and moved away from him slightly.

"On second thought, don't. At least not during meals."

"I'll try to keep that in mind," he dead panned after letting his smile droop back into a frown.

A shuffling noise caught Charlie's attention and she looked up from the dining room table. In the doorway, four very confused hobbits were looking around.

"There they are," Charlie said gleefully, pushing back from the long table and rushing to them. "Oh, you are so adorable." As she cooed she pulled them into a group hug.

"Eh…" Frodo began, coughing to hide his discomfort. "Could we please go home, miss?"

Charlie laughed. "You are home, dear. And call me Mommy."

The hobbits all exchanged uncomfortable and confused glances. Except Pippin who looked up at Charlie and whined, "Mommy, I'm hungry."

"Well, come on dear," Charlie said taking his hand and leading him off to the table, the other three hobbits following reluctantly. "Smith will bring you some breakfast. What would you like?"

"Porridge," Pippin said happily as he settled down in a booster seat to the left of Charlie's place at the head of the table.

Without being told to, Smith vanished. The other hobbits took their seat at the table and looked around. An awkward silence stretched out between them all as Charlie gave them a goofy grin. Before long, Smith returned in that creepy way that only butlers can manage. Behind him were three maids, each pushing a cart of food.

The hobbits stared in amazement, the hobbits watched as the maids placed tray after tray on the table. There was fruit, eggs, bacon, sausages, porridge, pancakes, French toast, regular toast (both wheat and white), breakfast cereals, coffee, tea, milk, orange juice, and much more. All the hobbits could do was stare from their booster seats.

"Well," said Charlie, happy with their reactions. "Dig in. Eat as much as you want."

And they did. Of course it took three more maids with three more carts to make three more trips into the kitchen before all four hobbits were satisfied. 'Oh, dear,' Charlie thought as she watched them. 'These hobbits are going to cost me my entire bank account _plus_ my secret Swiss account…. It'll be SO worth it.' She grinned again.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Thanks again to all my wonderful reviewers. You make the world go round. And you've given me some pretty good ideas for chapters to come. Hehehe. So, NOT responding to any of your reviews in any way… Yes, the hobbits are cute. Pippin is my favorite. Still no picture. No, Aragorn will not be the next to be caught. I have my reasons. I'm extremely hesitant about renting Pippin, doubt that I will. See previous Pippin comment. Rent two get two free. There might have been a trace of Billy Boyd in Pippin's request. Billy Boyd is my secret lover (I wish). Glorfindel and Tom will be treated like kings and Legolas… Well, I have plans for him. I have a better idea for Aragorn. That wasn't replying to reviews (insert innocent smile).

**Disclaimer:** I would walk to the ends of the Earth to own the characters you see in this chapter. Sadly, even if I did I wouldn't get them. That's why I have an imagination… even if it is a little dirty.

And now for something completely different. It's… crap the translator thing ran out of languages for me to use. Er… Apterchay Evensay! (Yes, I am fluent in pig Latin. Sad, eh?)

* * *

_**Chapter Seven**_

It had been a long day. Charlie had shown the hobbits every last room in the house all the way from the attic and the ballroom, to the meat locker and basement. She had dragged them all over the estate, showing them the large pond, the small forest, the pasture, the stables, and her personalized zoo. She had shown them her collection of cars, her indoor swimming pool, outdoor swimming pool, tennis courts (which she never used), pool hall, greenhouse, and garden. She had even shown them the explosives shed and told them that touching anything inside would have dire consequences.

The entire time, the hobbits kept asking questions all about Modern Earth. 'What's this?' 'How does that work?' 'What's this for?' 'What do you do with that?' Charlie trudged back into the mansion with the hobbits close behind. She was ready to get in a plane and start throwing rotten eggs at people. Or take a nap. She opted for a bucket-sized mug of coffee.

"Okay my dears," Charlie said as she gathered the four hobbits in the foyer. "We're going for a walk in the park." Charlie was on too much of a caffeine high to think about what a bad idea this was. "I want to show you off to _everyone!_" She twitched slightly as she spoke.

"Why are you twitching," Frodo asked warily as Smith approached Charlie.

With a grin she replied, "Just one of the miracles of the modern world." She took four leashes from Smith. Each one matched the color of a hobbit's collar. Holding up a bright blue one she said, "Frodo, this one's yours."

Merry got a yellow, Pippin got green, and Sam got red. After a minute of struggling to get the leashes on with her shaking hands, Charlie managed. She led the four hobbits out the door and loaded them into a minivan which she happened to have in her collection of cars.

A half an hour later, Charlie was leading the four little hobbits through the park. She remained completely oblivious to the odd looks the dog walkers were giving her, she was too happy to notice. I know I would be too.

After a short while, Charlie pulled a ball out of her pocket and unleashed the hobbits. "Who wants the ball," she asked, trying to get the them riled up. "Go get it!" She threw the ball and Merry and Pippin raced each other to retieve it. Frodo and Sam just raised their eyebrows and looked at Charlie like she was nuts.

A screamloud broke the peacefulness of the park. Charlie looked up to see Pippin and Merry running towards her as fast as they could. Behind them was a large group of teenage girls. Loud "OHMIGAWD"'s and "They're SOO cute"'s filled the air.

When they reached Charlie, the two hobbits ducked behind her and Sam and Frodo weren't long to follow. Out of nowhere, Charlie pulled out an electric cattle prod and brandished at the fan girls.

"Stay back," she warned, glaring at the girls.

"But they're so CUTE," one whined.

"That's too damn bad because they're mine," snapped Charlie, pointing the cattle prod at the girl.

"Can I just touch one," asked a second girl.

"If you want to come any closer to the hobbits, you'll have to make an appointment." Charlie was being sarcastic but the girls obviously didn't pick up on that.

A few asked how they could go about making an appointment but the one question that caught Charlie by surprise was, "How much for a day with Frodo?"

Slowly an idea formed her mind. "Ladies," said Charlie, lowering the cattle prod grinning. "My number is in the phone book. You can call and my secretary will give you further information."

"What's your name," asked a girl who was poised to write it down.

"The name in the book is Charlene Willows," she responded. "Good day ladies."

With that she quickly ushered the hobbits back to the van and drove home.

"Miss," Smith said the moment she walked through the doors. "There have been several calls for you."

"Did you take messages," asked Charlie, eagerly as she sent the hobbits to go about their business.

"Yes." He pulled out a large stack of papers. "A young lady calling herself Amanda, demanded to see Legolas. She left her number an-"

"Hire a secretary," Charlie said, taking the stack of papers and disappearing into her office.

Several hours later and Charlie was still going through all the messages. She sat her desk and went through the messages only to get more piled up on top of that. The phone rang again and she bellowed as loudly as she could, "SMITH!"

He appeared in the doorway almost instantly. "Yes, Ms. Willows?"

"Get a second phone line put in strictly for renting of Lord of the Rings characters and make sure the number gets in the phonebook or on TV or whatever," she glared at the papers scattered across her desk. "But before you do any of that, where the hell is the secretary?"

"Not here yet, ma'am," replied Smith in his usual tone.

"Then start answering the phone with 'City Morgue' because I'm sick of people calling." He bowed and turned to leave when Charlie shouted at his retreating back, "AND GET ME SOME MORE COFFEE, DAMNIT!"

Sighing, Charlie threw her pencil across the room and leaned back in her chair. Looking out her window she noticed it was night. Getting up, she crossed to the window and looked out over the darkened estate.

"The streaker should be… Oh, there he is," she said thoughtfully as the naked man ran through her massive back yard. "And there's Farber chasing him down..." She winced. "Ouch! Farber needs to be reminded that the poor man is naked."

"Mommy?" Charlie whirled around to see Pippin poking his head in the door.

"What is it dear," she asked, smiling.

Pippin walked in, holding something behind his back. "Well… the others and I… were wondering if you'd… Would you please read us a bedtime story," he asked, holding up a book.

Grinning, Charlie scooped the hobbit up and carried him down the hall to the hobbits' room. The others were sitting around on their poufs, and when Charlie walked in, they all perked up.

"Did you all brush your teeth and wash your faces," she asked, settling down in a rocking chair. Merry, Sam, and Frodo all crowded around at her feet and Pippin climbed into her lap so he could see the pictures. "Once upon a time, there lived three Billy goats…"

When the story was done, the four hobbits were yawning and ready for bed. Charlie tucked them all in and gave each one a kiss on the forehead (Awww!). Then she clicked off the light and left the door open ajar so the bedroom wasn't in complete darkness.

* * *

"Where's mommy," asked Pippin the next morning as the four hobbits clambered into their booster seats. 

Smith, being the creepy butler that he is, had appeared at the head of the table, standing behind the chair that Charlie should be occupying. "'Mommy,'" he spat out the word as if it were a rotten fruit, "had to go on a short business trip. She had left me strict orders to allow you four to do as you please as long as it is in accordance with the rules."

"Oh…" Said Pippin, not really understanding.

"The mistress said she should return sometime this afternoon," he said as the maids started to roll out the carts of food.

Merry and Pippin exchanged mischevious grins. They were both thinking of all the horrible things they could do to torment the creepy butler, and Merry had his eye on the explsoves shed ever since Charlie told them not to go near it.

It was going to be a fun afternoon for Smith.

* * *

"Are you sure you know where you're going," asked the burly man who was driving Charlie's jeep for her. 

She shot him a look. "Of course I know," he hissed. "I'd recognize that smell anywhere. Now, drive that way."

The man drove off in the direction Charlie had pointed. The jeep was crashing through a dark forest, which Charlie had told him was Mirkwood. Three more jeeps were following behind.

"Stop here," Charlie snapped, sitting up. "Cut the engine and tell the others to do the same. We're just outside his range of hearing."

Giving his new employer an odd look, the man cut the engine and picked up the walkie talkie, relaying the message.

"I want you ready to go in case we have to give chase." Charlie reached into the backseat and picked up the tranquilizer gun.

When she jumped out of the jeep, twelve men from the other jeeps joined her. Each of the jeeps still had its driver, waiting tensely for any indication that he should start the motor again.

"Listen up," Charlie said as the twelve men began to lock and load their tranq. guns. "Our prey is _extremely_ delicate. If you harm him in anyway I swear to your mothers, you will be going back to Modern Earth in bodybags. Make sure if you shoot him that it's somewhere that won't cause lasting damage or a noticeable mark. Understand?"

They all nodded and Charlie continued. "Alright. This forest is loaded with giant spiders that _will_ eat you if given the chance so keep an eye open. And try to make as little noise as possible because the guy we're hunting has superb hearing and we don't want him to run."

Once again the twelve burly men nodded to show they're understanding. "Okay, we'll break up into three groups of four and surround him. Don't shoot until I give the signal. Got that?"

"Yeah, we got it, babe," said one man around his cigar.

Without warning, Charlie shot him with the tranquilizer. The dart landed right between his eyes. "Don't call me that or I'll feed you to the spiders."

After the unconscious man was loaded into a jeep, the team moved out. Slowly they crept through the woods, being as quiet as possible. Charlie took a whiff of the air and could smell the Herbal Essences. She pointed in the direction and her group followed her.

Through the bushes, she could see a tall, lean elf with pale skin and… oh, hell, you all know what Legolas looks like. Charlie very slowly loaded the gun and locked it. When it made a faint click, Legolas looked up from his archery and cast a wary glance around the glade he was in.

"Hello, father," Charlie heard him say as he returned to aiming at the target.

"Practicing again, Legolas?" With wide eyes, Charlie stared at Thranduil as he stepped out from behind a tree and joined his son.

'This is too good," thought Charlie as she began to take aim at the King of Mirkwood.

Just as Legolas was about to reply to his father, a loud bang filled the air. Thranduil fell to the ground and began snoring, a large dart sticking from his back. Horrified, Legolas knelt down next to his father and pulled the dart out. He attempted to awake his father but no amount of shaking or slapping the king was going to work. Out of curiosity, Legolas looked at the dart.

It was long, thin, and black with a bright red piece at the bottom. Legolas noticed that coming from the bright red end was a long needle. He stuck his finger out and was just about to touch it when.

_"ARRRGH!_"

Whirling around, Legolas saw a group of four men running from giant spider. "HELP," screamed one of the men as a spider pounced on him.

"You deserve it, you bumbling IDIOT!" A young woman had stood up from behind a bush and three men were with her. "He was about to touch the frickin' dart you… you TOOL!"

Utterly, confused, Legolas looked from the scattering men to the angry woman with three scared looking men behind her.

"Don't just stand there," the woman yelled at the men. "Shoot him already!"

One man dropped his gun and ran screaming into the forest, his arms flailing over his head. The other two just continued to stare at the giant spiders.

With a heavy sigh, Charlie loaded her tranquilizer gun. "If you want something done.." she murmured as she took aim. The dart hit Legolas's thigh and he looked down, stunned. As he was reaching for his bow and arrows, he fell forward and passed out. "You have to do it yourself,"

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, that's done with. Don't forget toreview and I'm always open to suggestions... like who else you want to see caught/rented out. Chapter eight should be out tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Ooookay. Sorry for the delay folks, my brother hogged the computer _all_ day yesterday and didn't let me on at all. I plan on doing the same thing to him today which is good because he has work tomorrow and I don't so I get it all day tomorrow too. MWHAHA! Really didn't have that many reviews on the last chapter. Sad face. And it's 8:30 in the morning right now and I'm listening to 80's music (Tina Turner at the mo' not so cool but Prince was on before her so it balances out) and feel like I'm on a sugar high despite the fact that all I've had to eat today was a bowl of Apple Jacks, yum. Whheeee!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Middle Earth or the characters that live in it… I just like to pretend I do.

Now I have to stop twitching enough to figure out what the hell I was going to write…

Oh, and you can e-mail me at my username but with at the end. Should work this time. (I'm dying to see this picture.

* * *

**_Chapter Eight_**

"Could I get a refill," asked Frodo, holding up a martini glass and waving it in front of Smith's face.

"Certainly," Smith said in his usual dry tone. He abandoned the giant palm leaf he had been using to fan Frodo and Sam and took the glass.

"This is the life, Mr. Frodo." Sam settled back in his chair beside the large outdoor pool and smiled, placing his hands behind his head. "A hobbit could get used to this."

"I wonder where Merry and Pippin are," Frodo mused halfheartedly as he sat back and soaked up the sun's rays.

Merry and Pippin were in the house. They were poking their heads into the mansion's bar, watching Smith mix Frodo another martini. Merry gave Pippin a little nudge and the younger hobbit produced an egg from the confines of his pocket. Taking the egg, Merry took aim and let it fly.

In one deft movement and without looking, Smith caught the egg in a wastepaper bin. It cracked open on the bottom and made a satisfying splattering noise. As he turned to leave with Frodo's martini, Smith gave the hobbits a reproachful look. "Throwing things is not in accordance with the rules."

* * *

"Where to now," asked the burly man behind the wheel of Charlie's jeep.

After dropping the unconscious forms of the two blonde elves into the back of the jeep, Charlie pulled a slip of paper from her pocket. "Let me check my shopping list," she said as she crossed off the names 'Legolas' and 'Thranduil'. "We need to go to Rivendell."

Climbing into the jeep, she pointed the man in the right direction and they shot off. Only two jeeps followed this time. The third one had been devoured by the spiders who thought it was food. Needless to say Mirkwood has less of an infestation and no longer needs to call the Orkin man.

When the jeeps pulled up outside of Rivendell, the burly man (who we're going to call Burly so I have to type less) turned to Charlie and asked, "How you plannin' on catchin' 'em this time?" Burly does not use proper English according to spell check.

"I don't think it'll be too hard," replied Charlie.

Little did she know that one of the characters in particular was going to give her a little trouble.

* * *

"Maybe we could put something in his tea," Pippin suggested as he and Merry hid in the wine cellar.

"I don't think he drinks anything, Pip." The two cousins were trying to plot out a way to torment Smith.

Pippin thought for a moment. "What if we stick his fingers in warm water while he's sleeping."

Shaking his head Merry said, "I don't think he sleeps either." The brainstorming wasn't going well.

"Ooh, remember that hot red stuff Sam put on his eggs this morning? What if we put that on Smith's food?"

"He probably doesn't eat, Pip. We can do that to Sam though." Merry tapped his chin in thought.

"What if we put cooking oil on the floor so he slips and falls in it," Pippin suggested.

"And if that doesn't work we can let a greased pig loose," Merry added brightly.

"Yeah," Pippin cried excitedly. "Let's go!"

At that moment the door to the wine cellar was thrown open and the two hobbits looked up to see none other than Smith standing there. He looked down his long pointed nose at them and said, "Playing in the wine cellar is not in accordance with the rules."

* * *

"Hey." Charlie nodded in greeting to Elrond's twin sons as they practiced their archery.

"Who are you," asked Elladan as he gave her a suspicious look.

"How did you get here," Elohir asked, promptly.

"Oh, uh… my name's Charlene…wyn of the… west-south-west," she lied, and badly, I might add.

Elladan turned to face her, aiming an arrow straight at Charlie's face. "You're not like those girls we saved from orcs yesterday, are you?"

"Uh… no?" Charlie held her breath and waited for the elf to lower his bow.

"Alright then," he said, turning and firing the arrow at the target.

"So, what are you doing here," Elohir asked as he knocked an arrow.

Charlie shiftily glanced around. "Well, I thought I'd tell you guys that I saw lady-twins earlier."

"Really," asked Elohir, grinning at his brother.

"Where," pressed Elladan.

"Uh.. Over there." Charlie pointed to an extremely suspicious looking wooden box with a red curtain hanging over the front of it. "They were going into that um… photo booth." The twins gave her a skeptical look. "Yeah, go take a look." When they didn't move she added, "If they aren't there you can use me for target practice," Charlie said, crossing her fingers behind her back.

With identical grins, the elven twins bounded over to the "photo booth." Elohir whipped back the curtain and the twins poked their heads into the box.

"Hello," asked Elohir.

"Ladies?" Elladan looked around the very large wooden crate which would comfortably hold two people.

From behind, Charlie gave the twins a hard shove, knocking them into the box. She quickly slammed the lid on the box and nailed it shut. "Hit the gas," she called to Burly.

"What's that smell," asked one of the twins from inside the box.

"I don't know," the other replied. "It smells like…"

_Thump! Thump!_

Elladan and Elohir passed out thanks to the handy dandy sleeping gas that Burly had pumped into the box.

Pulling out her list, Charlie crossed off twins. "Okay, next is… Glorfindel."

After searching around for a few hours, Charlie finally found Glorfindel. He was sitting by a small pond in the garden, hunched over and doing something.

"Uh… excuse me," Charlie said, catching his attention.

Glorfindel whirled around and looked at her. "Oh," he said, relaxing a bit. "I thought you were someone else." His eyes darkened angrily before he turned back to what he was doing. "I'll show her," he muttered. "And I'll show Peter Jackson too."

"Um.. Glorfindel, sir?" He turned and looked at Charlie again. "What exactly are you doing?"

Holding up two dolls he said, "I'm making voodoo dolls of Arwen and Peter Jackson." Turning back to the dolls, he worked on putting the finishing touches on them. "Steal my glory," he muttered darkly. "Steal my fans."

"You know," Charlie said, taking a step forward. "I know a place where you'll be loved by people who actually read the books." Glorfindel looked up at Charlie with a mixture of hop and wariness. "And you'll be treated very well."

Standing up, Glorfindel moved towards Charlie. "Will I have fans?" She nodded and he quickly asked, "Tell me how I get to this place! Take me there!"

"Just go sit with my assistant," Charlie said, pointing to where Burly sat in the jeep. "And don't mind the fact that Legolas and Thranduil are asleep in the back. They just um… needed a nap. I'll have them moved to a different jeep."

Excitedly, Glorfindel hurried off and took a seat next to Burly in the jeep. Charlie turned to her shopping list and scratched another name off. "That was easy," she muttered to herself. "Now, it's time for Arwen." Charlie smiled evilly and tucked the list back into her pocket.

* * *

"Smith, turn me over," Frodo said lazily. "I don't want my tan to be uneven."

"Of course, young master," Smith said monotonously. He picked up a large spatula and used it to flip the dark haired hobbit. "Will the be anything else, young masters?"

"I could use a pedicure," Sam said thoughtfully as he looked down at his hairy hobbit feet.

Smith's eye twitched slightly when he looked down at Sam's feet. If there was one thing Smith didn't like, it was feet. "Yes, young master," he said in a strained voice before stalking off to the kitchen to get a bucket of sudsy water and a scrub brush.

Merry and Pippin emptied the last of the large jugs of cooking oil on the kitchen floor. They tossed the empty jug into a pile of about a dozen sat. For a minute they stood back and admired their oily mess, smiling and nodding at each other.

"I think he's coming," Pippin said, urgently.

"Hide!" The two hobbits scrambled for minute before diving out of the room and peeking through the swinging door.

A very unhappy Smith marched into the kitchen, walked across the lake of cooking oil that spread across half kitchen floor, and grabbed a small pail from one of the cabinets. The hobbits watched in shock as the butler filled the bucket with hot water, added soap, snatched a brush and walked out the back door.

"I don't believe it," Merry said, walking back into the kitchen with Pippin close behind. "He should have fallen, slipped, _something!_"

"He didn't even lose his balance," Pippin quietly said while looking at the yellow oil that covered the floor. "Do you think…?"

"I don't know," Merry whispered. "Let's try it."

Together they stepped onto the patch of oil. For a moment they remained upright but the second they tried to move, the hobbits lost their balance. They waved their arms frantically as their feet slipped and slid around on the slick floor. With a loud, crashing thud, they both toppled to the floor and landed in a heap.

At that moment, Smith reappeared in the door in his usual butler-like manner. "Playing figure skater in the kitchen using vegetable oil as an ice substitute is not in accordance with the rules."

* * *

Charlie saw Arwen walking alone through a hallway in Rivendell. "Arwen! Arwen," she yelled, running up and grabbing the elf's arm.

"What is it little one," Arwen asked breathily.

Ignoring the twitching in her eye at being called 'little one' Charlie urgently said, "It's Glorfindel! He's about to do something that will cause him fame and glory!"

"Not on my watch," yelled Arwen. "Where is he?"

"This way!" Charlie led Arwen along by the arm, bringing her to a small private place in the garden.

"Where is he," Arwen asked, looking around. "I don't see him."

"Okay, Glorfindel," Charlie called. "Now's your chance."

From behind some bushes, Glorfindel jumped out, his Arwen voodoo doll in hand and a crazed look in his eyes. Arwen gasped. Charlie smirked evilly. Burly continued to read his Cosmo Girl. The unconscious elves continued to be just so.

"Alright Glorfindel," said Arwen pompously. "What are you up to? Whatever it is, I want in."

"Not this time, Arwen!" Glorfindel raised the voodoo doll and produced a tranquilizer dart. "This is for taking my part in the movie!"

With much emotion, Glorfindel stabbed the voodoo doll with the dart. It was quite dramatic. With another gasp, Arwen fell to ground, unconscious. Burly put his magazine down and loaded the prima donna into the jeep where Elladan and Elohir's large box was taking up most of the space.

"How'd that feel," Charlie asked, clapping Glorfindel on the back.

"Pretty good," he replied as they walked back to Charlie's jeep. "Actually I think I'm over the whole thing now. I don't think I'll be needing this anymore." Glorfindel handed Charlie the Arwen voodoo doll and she tossed it into her glove compartment.

"That might come in handy," she said with a smile. "Anyway, sit back and relax. I have one more to catch for today and then we'll be off to the estate where you shall live in fan girl love for the rest of your days."

Glorfindel grinned and sat back, dreaming of all the wonders to come. Charlie pulled out her list and violently scratched Arwen's name off it. Then she looked over to the sleeping she-elf and had an idea.

* * *

"Why don't we just let it roll around on the kitchen floor," Pippin asked as he and Merry struggled to keep the pig in place.

"Because Smith already cleaned it up," answered Merry. "Now pass me some more Crisco."

Pippin pushed the tub of lard over to Merry who dipped his hand in and began to smear more of it on the small pig. "I wonder what this stuff tastes like," mused Pippin as he looked down and the chunky white… shite on his hand.

"Don't do it Pip," Merry warned without looking up. "I don't think you'll like it."

"It's only a taste," Pippin said innocently. He stuck a finger in his mouth and licked the Crisco off. Almost immediately Pippin made a face that can only be described as the face someone makes when they've attempted to eat Crisco lard.

"I told you not to," Merry said offhandedly as he finished greasing the pig.

Pippin paused in the middle of spitting out the Crisco only to say, "It's absolutely horrid. Why would Mommy keep this in the house? We should give it to Sam and say it's ice-cream."

"It's ready." Merry stood up and watched as the little piglet began to wander around the dining room. "Pip, get the door."

Doing as he was told, the young hobbit rushed over to the door and opened it. Merry waved his arms at the piglet and made woofing noises at it. The little piglet, thoroughly weirded out by Merry's behavior, as anyone in the piglet's place would be, ran squealing from the room.

The two hobbits followed it, giggling the whole way. They saw that it was heading straight for Smith who happened to be walking through the foyer. Merry and Pippin ducked behind a potted plant and watched, suppressing their giggles, as the pig ran towards the butler.

Without giving it a second thought, Smith moved to the front door and opened it. The piglet squealed in delight and ran out, trotting down the driveway and slipping through the gate. Merry and Pippin stared in disbelief. Then fell out from behind the plant and landed with a crash on the foyer floor.

"Setting animals loose in the house is not in accordance with the rules," Smith said, looking pointedly at the hobbits' collars. Then he noticed that Pippin was carrying the tub of Crisco lard. "Eating the Crisco is not in accordance with the rules."

* * *

With great difficulty, Charlie sat in a tree and worked the little wooden thing which moved the strings connected to her life-size marionette. The puppet was, of course, Arwen. From her place in the tree, Charlie struggled to keep Arwen's unconscious body standing up straight on the ground below.

"Arwen," asked a voice that Charlie recognized as Aragorn's. "Is that you?"

"Aragorn," cried Charlie, her voice sounding very falsetto. "Come to me, my love!" She moved a string in an attempt to make Arwen beckon to Aragorn but only succeeded in make the elf kick herself.

It was at this point that the nauthorator realized she had to write this entire scene over again, along with the next Merry-Pippin scene because her computer randomly shut itself off and she hadn't saved it. So the nauthorator took a small break to save her work on a floppy disc before tossing the entire computer out the window. Then she bought a new computer and started up again. Technology is a bitch.

"Arwen, are you ill," asked Aragorn, taking a step closer.

"Of course not," Charlie answered in the high pitched voice while making Arwen nod her head. Yes, nod as in confirm. "Now come here."

"I'll go fetch you father." Aragorn moved away.

"No! Er.. I mean there is no need." Charlie attempted to hold Arwen's strings up with one hand while she pulled a tranquilizer dart from her pocket. Arwen's unconscious body slumped and Charlie nearly fell out of the tree. On the ground, Arwen was a lump of limbs and string.

"Uh… come sit with me," Charlie said in the high voice and making Arwen's limp hand thump the ground beside her.

Aragorn gave Charlie's perch a wary glance. "Arwen, now I'm sure that you're ill. You've never willingly sat on the ground before."

"Shit," whispered Charlie loudly as she began to slip off the branch. Aragorn shot another look in her direction and she quickly said in the high voice, "Don't mind that. It's just a bird."

The fact that Arwen was speaking without the use of her mouth and in a voice that was not her own was not lost on Aragorn. Charlie, however, was having such a hard time trying not to fall out of the tree, that she had forgotten all about that tiny detail.

"Arwen," Aragorn began in a low voice as he moved closer to the limp elf. "Do you remember what I told you that day?"

"Uh…" Charlie cast around for anything and said the first thing that came to mind. "I think I have tree bark up my ass."

Aragorn blinked a few times and said, "No, no. After I said that."

Pausing, Charlie looked at the ranger through the leaves and shook her head. "You said that um…" She closed her eyes and kicked herself for not remembering this part of the movie. "That… you would… never let go."

"A-ha!" Aragorn jumped under Charlie's perch and pointed up at her with a triumphant smirk on his face. "The jig is up! Everyone knows that's a line from the Titanic." At that moment he realized he was stepping on Arwen's face and quickly moved aside. "I knew there was someone sitting up there."

"Yeah," muttered Charlie as she climbed down. "The strings weren't a dead giveaway."

"Right, well I'm off to do ranger-like things," he said turning and walking away.

"Yeah, I need to get this cleaned up." Charlie hoisted Arwen up and passed her off to Burly. "Get her in the jeep with her brothers." Burly walked away and Charlie turned back to Aragorn's retreating back. "I'll see you later."

"Uh… suuuure. If you say so," he called over his shoulder.

"Oh, I do," Charlie muttered darkly. "I _will_ catch you, Aragorn."

* * *

"I'm sick of trying to annoy Smith," whined Pippin as he and Merry moped around the estate.

"Me too," Merry said, kicking a pebble and watching it roll away. "I don't think he's human."

"What do we do now," Pippin asked.

Merry shrugged. "I dunno. You want to see what's in the explosives shed and accidentally blow it up in the process?"

"Sure," Pippin said cheerily.

Together the hobbits dashed off towards said shed. Ha. That rhymed. Anyway, they pulled open the heavy door and walked inside. The door shut with a loud bang behind them and they jumped.

"I can't see anything," Pippin said, trying to look around the dark shed.

"Me either," said Merry, digging though his pockets. "Here are some matches." He pulled out a book of matches and handed it to his cousin. Pippin lit one and looked around the small shed. "Why does Mommy have a barrel of gun powder," he asked.

"Beats me. Why does she have an explosives shed to begin with," replied Merry. "Come here with the light. I want to see what this box says."

Pippin stood next to his cousin and held the match up so they could read the words written across the box. "Dynamite. I wonder if Mommy is planning on becoming a dwarf."

Merry shrugged. "Who knows." He looked at the next box and grinned. "Hey, let's take some of these roman candles and set them off under Smith's bed while he's sleeping."

"Okay," Pippin said with a smile.

Grabbing a few of said fireworks, Merry pictured Smith's reaction to having them go off in the middle of the night. Merry led the way out of the shed and Pippin thoughtlessly tossed the match over his shoulder on his way out. Silly little hobbit.

"Be careful with that match, Pip," Merry said. "We don't want to blow up the shed.

Pippin froze, his eyes wide. "Merry, I think we should run."

"Why," began Merry but when he turned and saw his fellow hobbit's face, Merry knew what had happened. "Pippin! You fool!"

Wincing, Pippin made the guilty face that only he can do. Then the two hobbits raced off across the estate, running as fast as the could to get away from the shed.

_BOOM!_

Luckily, the explosives shed was placed far away from everything else on the estate, and the only thing that was damaged was a flock of Canada geese that happened to flying overhead at the moment. At this point the nauthorator smirked and dreamed that it was one of the many flocks that have permanently taken up residence in her home town which is not in Canada.

Bits of wood from the shed mixed with bits of geese and they fell to the ground.

By the pool, Sam and Frodo both looked up from their sunbathing and looked into the distance. They could just make out the explosives shed all the way in its lonely corner of the estate. Er… That is, they could see where the shed _should_ have been. All they could see was a plume of dark smoke coiling up from the remains of the shed.

"I found Pippin and Merry," Sam said offhandedly as he lay back down on his chair.

"Yup," whispered Frodo, sipping his pina colada. "That's them alright."

Smith's eye twitched again as he watched the smoke rise. "I shall return shortly," he said stiffly to the two hobbits before disappearing.

"Think Smith will be mad," Pippin asked Merry as they sat up off the ground and looked at the smoking rubble that was once a shed.

"I think he will be furious," said Smith from behind them.

The hobbits jumped up in surprise and stared wide-eyed at the butler. It was very clear to them at that point that Smith was the type of person who pent up all his anger and frustration, only to let it loose later on some poor, unsuspecting victim(s).

"Let me guess," Pippin said, trying to sound innocent. "Blowing up the shed is not in accordance with the rules?"

Smith let out an angry growl. "No! It is not! And you shall be punished for this disobedience! Then I am going to tell the mistress and she will punish you as well! MWHAHA!"

"I think we should run," Merry whispered to Pippin who nodded in agreement.

The two hobbits turned tail and ran for all they worth.

"How do we get out of this one," Pippin asked, Merry.

"All we have to do is avoid Smith until Mom gets home," Merry called to his cousin. "Then you just have to look cute or something."

"Why me," Pippin asked.

Merry dashed through the backdoor of the mansion and closed it behind Pippin. "Because you're her favorite."

Then the two ran off to find a place to hide until Charlie got back.

* * *

Charlie drummed her fingers on the dashboard of her jeep. She was in deep thought, trying to think of a way to catch Aragorn. Obviously he wasn't stupid and couldn't be caught as easily as the others… She banged her head on the dash before turning to Burly.

"How would you go about catching Aragorn," she asked.

He shrugged and continued to flip through his Cosmo Girl. "I don't know. What does he like?"

Charlie bashed her head on the dashboard again. "His sword… I guess."

"So use that," said Burly offhandedly.

"Burly, I want you to punch me," she said quite suddenly.

"Why," asked the bulky man.

"Just do it!" Charlie closed her eyes and tilted her head so Burly would have a clean shot.

"If you say so…" The man pulled back and let one fly, catching Charlie right in the cheek.

Falling out of the jeep, Charlie landed on the ground. "Ow," she said glaring at the big man and rubbing her jaw. "I didn't mean _that_ hard! I'm surprised you didn't knock any teeth- oh my god," she said the last three words as if she had a sudden revelation, which she had. "I just had an idea." Jumping back in the jeep, she put a hand on Burly's arm. "You just gave me an idea! We need to find Aragorn. Go! Drive!"

And so Burly drove off again, the other two jeeps loaded with the elves were right behind them.

* * *

"I think we're safe here," whispered Merry to Pippin.

"Smith will never think to look in Mommy's underwear drawer," Pippin whispered back.

"Hey… what's this," Merry held something up but couldn't see what it was because it was too dark in the drawer.

"I don't know," Pippin whispered. "What does it feel like?"

"It feels like a-" Merry was cut off when the drawer slid open.

"Naughty hobbits," said the crazed butler, looking down at Merry and Pippin. "Playing in the mistress's room is not in accordance with the rules!"

"AHHH!" The hobbits jumped out of the drawer and dashed out of the bedroom, Smith hot on their heels.

* * *

"Step right up! Step right up," Charlie called.

"Eh.. What's going on here," asked Aragorn.

"Nothing much sir," Charlie called in her best fairground barker voice. "I'm just trying to get people's attention by yelling obnoxiously." She was wearing one of those ridiculous red and white striped suits with the top hat and cane. Reaching up she made sure her fake moustache was still in place.

"What exactly is that," Aragorn asked, pointing to the large crate behind Charlie. It was covered by a black curtain and he couldn't see in. "And why is it in the middle of the woods?"

"That is my job, sir," Charlie said, pointing with her cane at the box. "And it's in the middle of woods because this is where you… I mean my business comes from." Aragorn shot her a look and she said, "You see, I'm a saleswo… er… man. I sell swords to adventurous men such as yourself."

"Swords?" Aragorn had to make an effort to mask is interest. "What kinds?"

"All kinds," said Charlie. "Why don't you step in there and have a look."

"Well…" Aragorn looked longingly at the box. "I suppose a little peek wouldn't hurt.

"That's right," Charlie prompted, ushering him towards the box. Her fake moustache chose that moment to fall off. "Oh, crap."

"A-ha," called Aragorn in triumph… again. "I knew it was you!"

Charlie gave a heavy sigh. "Just get in the damn box."

"No," he said crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fine. You leave me no choice." Charlie snatched Aragorn's sword which she was surprised to find was extremely heavy. The sword hit the ground the moment she pulled it from the scabbard and it nearly pulled her down with it.

Aragorn pointed at her laughed. "You'll never be able to get me in the box!"

Closing her eyes, Charlie got in touch with her inner Mary Sue.

'Hi, Sue,' Charlie thought.

_Oh. Hello, dear_._ I haven't seen you around lately._

'Yeah. Well, you know. Been busy.'

_Oh. I see._

'Look… do you um… suppose you could help me out here?'

_Out of the immense kindness of my heart of gold, I shall. I should let you do this on your own considering you walked out on me!_

'Eh… Yeah. Right. Just hurry it up, will you?'

_Fine! _

"I am Charlie-Sue," cried Charlie, suddenly possessed by her inner Sue. "I have the strength of a thousand men but still have a perfect figure and don't look overly-muscular!"

"Uh…" Aragorn looked at 'Charlie-Sue' and couldn't help but feel slightly frightened. Wouldn't you?

Charlie-Sue tossed Aragorn's sword into the box. With a shriek, the man dived into the box and picked up the sword. Charlie-Sue quickly put the lid on and nailed it shut with Sue-like speed.

"My poor baby," Aragorn cooed from inside the box. "Did she hurt you."

'Thanks,' Charlie thought to her inner Sue.

_Anytime, dear but you really ought to keep in touch._

'Eh.. Right, sure…. You can leave now.'

_Ungrateful little…_

"Burly," cried Charlie, tuning out her inner Sue. "Load him into a jeep and let's get out of here. I just had a very unpleasant encounter and I feel the need to cleanse myself."

"Sure thing, Ms. Willows," said Burly as he picked up the massive crate with ease and loaded it into a tiny jeep. This was quite a feat that only the amazing Burly could pull off.

Whipping out her cell phone, Charlie tried to call home.

* * *

"Someone answer the phone," yelled Frodo from his deckchair. "It's disturbing my beauty sleep and that damn thing has been ringing for the past half hour!"

"You know Mr. Frodo," Sam said from beside him. "This place isn't so bad after all." He took another sip of his Mudslide and enjoyed the message the pretty maid was giving him. "I really like it here, and Mom isn't so bad."

Inside the house, Merry and Pippin were still running away from Smith. It wasn't easy because much like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, Smith seemed to just appear out of nowhere, follow them for a moment, disappear again, and then reappear right in their path.

The hobbits were finally cornered in the foyer, cowering from the butler while Frodo and Sam walked in, complaining about the lack of service. It was utter chaos.

"I have been waiting forever for you to refill my martini," Frodo shouted at the butler.

"And why didn't you flip me over when I asked you to," demanded Sam. "Now my tan is uneven!"

"Please don't hurt us," Pippin cried, trying to shrink away from the butler.

"We promise we'll be good," Merry squeaked.

"The mistress is going to hear about your bad behavior today," Smith said as he grabbed Merry and Pippin by the backs of their weskits.

"HEEEELLLLPPPP!" Pippin's shout filled the room and didn't go unanswered.

The front door flew open and banged against the walls. In the door way stood Charlie, in her fatigues, her hair falling out of the ponytail, a bruise forming on her cheek, and looking altogether like someone you don't want to mess with. Pippin's cry for help had reached her ears and like any over-protective fan girl who is (literally) madly in love with the character that she spoils and forces to call her 'mommy,' she was ready to kill and maim.

"SMITH," she bellowed. "Unhand my hobbits!"

Reluctantly, the butler let go of Pippin and Merry who rushed over to Charlie. They wrapped their arms around her legs and Sam and Frodo moved to stand close by.

"Miss," said Smith quietly. "I can explain."

"If I wanted an explanation from _you_, I'd beat it out of ya," yelled Charlie before turning tender eyes to the hobbits. "Tell me what happened dears," she said softly.

All at once the hobbits started talking, trying to tell their side of the story. Charlie held up a hand and stopped them. "One at a time, dears."

"Well," Frodo began. "Smith was being just awful! He didn't do anything Sam and I asked him to."

Sam nodded. "That's right! And because of him I have an uneven tan! And my nose got sunburned," pouted the hobbit.

"Oh, poor thing," cooed Charlie, ruffling his hair. "We'll get that taken care of."

"Then he chased Pippin and me," Merry chimed in. Charlie raised her eyebrows and looked at Merry. "He was threatening to punish us."

Charlie turned her eyes to Smith as Merry and Pippin hugged her legs tighter. "Is this true," she asked in an unnervingly quiet voice.

"Madame, they blew up the explosives shed," Smith said.

"They WHAT?" Charlie looked back down at Pippin and Merry.

Merry gave Pippin a nudge and the younger hobbit quickly said in the most innocent of voices, "It was an accident. We're terribly sorry. It'll never happen again. Please don't be mad."The he made sad puppy-dog eyes at Charlie

Instantly, Charlie smiled and scooped him into a hug. "You're so cute. I could never be made at you, Pippin."

"See," said Merry. "I told you, you're her favorite."

"Oh, Merry," cooed Charlie. "You're all my favorites… I just like Pippin more. Now come give mommy a hug." As she crouched down, the four hobbits hugged Charlie. It was a true Kodak moment but sadly no one had a camera handy. "I love you guys."

"We love you too, Mommy," the hobbits chorused.

That right there put Charlie in the best of moods. She stood up after a moment of cuddling her hobbits and faced Smith. The butler's jaw had dropped and he stared at her with nothing but shock.

"Smith, did you finally get a secretary?" Charlie watched as the hobbits all scurried off to go about their business.

For a moment, Smith's brain was blank but he was quickly pulled back into his usual self. "Yes, ma'am. The first one had a nervous breakdown after the first five minutes but we now have a set of twins who are working famously together."

"Good. Good," Charlie mumbled, her mind going to the elven twins that were still unconscious in her jeep. "I'll need you to set up rooms for today's catches. Give them all baths, collars… you know, the usual."

The butler nodded. "Of course, Miss Willows. Will there be anything else?"

"Um… yeah go down into the lab and ask Dr. Duncan to check your circuits," she said. "I think you're malfunctioning and I don't want to have to come home to another scene like today."

"Yes, of course," he said dryly. "Is that all?"

Charlie nodded. "Yeah. That's it for now."

"Of course, Ms. Willows. Of course, Ms. Willows. Of course Ms. Willows." Smith kept repeating this until Charlie whacked him over the head.

"I'll get right on it," he said before giving a stiff bow and leaving the room.

"Butlers," muttered Charlie, shaking her head. "I think I need to upgrade to a newer model."

* * *

**A/N: **Geebus. This is just over 23 pages on Microsoft Word. Phew. Hope you like it. Should I write in Gandalf, Gimili, and Boromir? I mean, they _are_ part of the Fellowship. It'd be like a collector's set.

7 hours later and I'm FINALLY done with this damn thing. You people better review!


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay, folks. I've had a lack of motivation lately. But I'm forcing myself to write, purely for your enjoyment. Yes, you like to see me tortured, don't you? Anyway, thanks again reviewers. I finally got that picture. It was HUGE! And wicked funny (by the way, I'm from New England, if you couldn't tell by my use of the word 'wicked' which, for some reason, I pronounce 'whicked.' Random fact for you guys). Crap. That little tangent made me forget what I was going to say…. Something completely irrelevant, I'm sure.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own LotR related things, I probably don't own Charlie either. I'm thinking of getting the word 'whicked' pattended…ed… Geebus I'm glad there's such a thing as which I do not own. Patented.

Gods, I'm an idiot.

* * *

**_Chapter Nine_**

"Good morning," chirped Charlie when the hobbits entered the dining room for breakfast.

"Good morning, Mum," they all chorused as they took their seats. The table had already been set with the usual amount of food that the hobbits ate and they all dug in.

"Where are the others," Charlie asked, looking to the door expectantly.

"Mhat moferfs," questioned Pippin with a full mouth.

Charlie turned her attention the young hobbit. "Don't talk with your mouth full, dear. It's not polite. And to answer your question, the elves and man that I caught yesterday."

"Madame," Smith said, from behind Charlie where he had just appeared.

"Yes," asked Charlie, turning to face him.

"Glorfindel is here." Smith stepped aside and revealed the blonde elf who was looking around with curiosity.

"Hello Glorfindel," said Charlie with a smile. "Please, have a seat. We were just tucking in." Nodding, the elf took a seat next to Sam who was staring at the elf with awe. "I trust you slept well?"

"Oh, yes Lady Charlie," said Glorfindel as he loaded his plate.

Laughing Charlie said, "Call me mom, dear."

"Eh… okay," he said slowly.

"You get used to it," Sam whispered to him. The elf nodded.

Charlie looked to the door again. "I wonder where the others got off to…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The first scream filled the house and everyone that sat in the dining room, stopped and looked around.

"That sounded like-" but Glorfindel didn't get to finish his sentence because at that moment several other screams followed the first.

"Sounds like they're all awake," said Charlie offhandedly as she turned to the morning newspaper and started to work on the crossword puzzle. "I didn't think they'd take so long."

All at once, Elladan and Elrohir, Thranduil, Legolas, and Arwen burst through the dining room doors. All of them were yelling like nobody's business and in Elvish. The only one that could understand them was Glorfindel and he gasped when the twins chorused a particularly nasty word.

"Please calm down," Charlie said, still trying to do the crossword puzzle. "I can't understand when you all talk at once… actually I can but I can't understand you when you all talk in Elvish."

"You promised us women," yelled the twins in unison. "Now we get to use you as target practice!"

"First of all, I had my fingers crossed. Secondly, I'll introduce you to my secretaries after breakfast but only if you sit down, be quiet, and call me mom." Charlie looked up from the newspaper. "And thirdly, what is a six letter word for bury that starts with an 'I'?"

The twins exchanged looks and Elrohir said, "Inhume?"

Charlie scribbled the word into the puzzle and smiled up at him. "Perfect. Thank you."

They took their seats and Charlie was approached by Thranduil. "Where am I? Who are you? Who are they? What is this place? Why aren't I home? What do you call that delicious looking round thing with the hole in it?" All of his questions came out in rapid fire.

"You are in my house in Modern Earth. I am Charlie but you can call me mom. They are Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, you're new brothers, and that's Smith the creepy butler. This is the dining room where we eat. You aren't home because I want you here and so do fan girls. This," Charlie said as reached over, "is a doughnut. Take a seat and try some."

Taking the doughnut, Thranduil wandered off and sat across from Glorfindel. The next one to approach Charlie was Legolas.

"My hair has recently been washed with Suave shampoo. I need Herbal Essences or else I'll get split ends," he whined.

"I'm sure you're hair will be fine for now," said Charlie, thinking of the bottle of Nair sitting in her bathroom. "Now, go sit down and have some breakfast." Legolas moved off and sat next to his father, pouting like a child. "Eh… sorry Legolas but you're going to have sit at the far end of the table." As Charlie spoke, she pointed to the end of the dining room table which could seat a hundred.

Angrily, Legolas got up and stomped off to sit at the far end of the table. Smiling, Charlie turned to Arwen who was glaring at her.

"Where is Aragorn," the elf demanded breathily. "He'll cut your head off when he finds out that you put me in a closet of a bedroom! I want a bigger room _now_!" Arwen stamped her foot and glared at Charlie before continuing her rant.

Tuning out the elf, Charlie turned to back to her crossword puzzle. When Arwen was going on about her sheet not being silk, Charlie got sick of the noise. "Here, have a muffin," she said tossing a banana muffin at Arwen and hitting her square in the face. "Oh, and you're to sit at the end of the table with Legolas."

Angrily, Arwen stormed off to go and fume with Legolas. Sighing, Charlie turned back to the newspaper.

"Mum," asked Pippin. "Why do they have to sit all the way down there?"

"Because mommy doesn't want to listen to them complain constantly. At least if they're down there I can't hear them as well." Charlie looked to the door again. "Now where is Aragorn?"

With a loud cry of outrage, the Ranger burst through the dining room door. "WHY AM I CLEAN!" Charlie watched as he reached up and pulled at his hair. "MY HAIR! IT'S NOT GREASY!"

Arwen gave a shriek and fell into a dead faint. The hobbits and other elves stared in horror at the now clean man that stood before them.

"My god," Charlie gasped as she jumped out of her chair. "We have an emergency on our hands. Smith! Get this man to the operating room! We can't have a clean Aragorn, it's just not heard of!"

The operating room was actually just the bathroom. Aragorn sat in the tub, looking rather scared. He still had all his clothes on and the tub didn't have any water in it but he kept giving the faucet shifty glances.

"Okay, I'm going to need you to lay back and relax," said Charlie, putting the little mask in place and snapping her gloves on. "This won't hurt a bit."

Reluctantly, Aragorn nervously lay back in the tub and closed his eyes.

"Get me the Crisco," Charlie said, holding out a hand, for one of the maids or Smith to put the lard into it.

"We're all out, miss," said a maid.

Charlie glared at her. "Then get me the extra virgin olive oil."

With a nod, the maid rushed out the door and down the hall, passing the hobbits and elves as she went. Quickly she returned with a bottle of said oil and handed it to Charlie.

Popping off the cap, Charlie began to pour the oil into Aragorn's hair. "I need dirt from the garden. Stat!"

Two more maids rushed out and returned with buckets of dirt from the vegetable-garden-turned-mushroom-patch. They handed the buckets to Charlie who turned to her patient.

"Aragorn, hold your breath," she said. The ranger did so and Charlie took a handful of dirt and threw it right his face. Then she threw some into his hair, rubbing it in a little. Eventually there wasn't a part of Aragorn that wasn't covered in dirt.

Charlie mixed some of the dirt with water in the sink to make mud and splattered that onto the ranger's boots and clothes. For the final touches, she placed a small twig in Aragorn's hair.

"There's nothing more we can do," she said, removing the mask and gloves. Charlie went into the hallway where the hobbits and elves were waiting anxiously. "We did everything we could. If he stabilizes in the next… five minutes or so, he should pull through. If he doesn't stabilize, there's a chance he'll die."

"GASP!" everyone chorused.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, I know it's short, sucky, and… not very entertaining. This is what happens when I lack motivation and force myself to write. Sad isn't it? 


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay, folks. I've been unmotivated lately. I think I've told you that already. Thanks to all of those who had reviewed and OHMYFRUCKINGGAWD QUEEN IS ON THE RADIO! Sorry. Queen is one of my favorite bands and Bohemian Rhapsody is my favorite song and it's playing **_right now! _**Wheee! And what's this… I think I smell Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. I do! I do! Can this day get any better!

**Disclaimer:** Follows as usual. I don't own anything, blah, blah, blah. Mmm… this cinnamon roll is yummmmmy.

* * *

_**Chapter Something… Ten.**_

"Let's see…" Charlie was muttering to herself again as she surfed the net. "Need something… Faramir… the others…." There was a knock on her office door and without looking away from her laptop, she said, "Enter," in a faux misty kind of voice.

"Um… Mommy," said Aragorn hesitantly as he poked his once-again dirty head into the room.

"Yes, Aragorn," Charlie asked, still not looking away from the monitor.

"Have you seen the hobbits? We're playing hide 'n seek and Legolas and I can't find them."

As he spoke, he glanced around the office which Charlie had decorated to look exactly like the President's Oval Office. The only difference was the fact that on Charlie's blue carpet there was a golden ring with "Lord of the Rings" written in the middle of it. She loved her rug.

"Have you tried looking outside," Charlie asked. Aragorn nodded. "The kitchen?" He nodded again. "How about the pools, or the theatre, or one of the bedrooms?" Again he nodded. "Well, what about the bell tower?"

"There's a bell tower," asked Aragorn, surprised.

"Yeah. Go outside and near the mushroom patch you'll see doors going down into the basement. Go down there and look around until you see a portrait of an old man with a Groucho Marx moustache. It's on hinges so it swings out to reveal a secret passage. Go in there and take a right. Eventually you'll come to a replica of a fireplace. Stand on the hearth and pull the mantle clock forward. The entire fireplace with spin so you'll be in the library. Climb the stairs to the second level of the library and look for a large green book titled 'The Book To Pull To Open The Secret Passage' and pull it forward. The bookshelf will slide away. Go through that secret passage and keep following it until you find a ladder. Climb it and when you get to the platform, open the door and you'll be backstage in the home theatre."

Charlie took a deep breath. "Find seat 22F and sit down. Under the left armrest is a small red button. Push it and the seat will tip you forward, landing you in the pool. Get out and go into the locker room and open locker number 5 and step inside. Slide down the fire pole and then _carefully_ cross the pond via the stepping stones. Don't step on the thirteenth stone because if you step on the thirteenth stone, the bat will come out and get you. Once you've gotten to the other side, climb up the ladder and open the trap door. Be careful not to hit your head on the piano. You'll come up right underneath it in the ballroom. Then go over to the suit of armor to the right of the door and pull his axe arm down. Another trap door will open and it'll bring you right to the threshold of the bell tower. Got all that?"

For a short moment, Aragorn looked confused. "Yes… but why do I have to go through all that? Can't I just go straight to the ballroom and…"

"No, you cannot," interrupted Charlie. "If you do that, you won't fully appreciate what you find up there."

"What will I find," questioned the ranger.

"Go find out," Charlie said, pointing to the door. "Oh and while you're at it, tell the twins to leave my secretaries alone for awhile. They're starting to fall behind in their secretarial duties."

Aragorn nodded and slipped out the door. Charlie waited a moment and listened to the fading sound of his footsteps as he hurried off to find the bell tower.

"It's alright my dears, he's gone," she said at last.

"'Bout time," Sam muttered, crawling out from under Charlie's desk along with the three other hobbits.

"I thought he'd never leave," said Frodo, rubbing a kink in his neck.

"Are there really all those secret passages," asked Merry.

Nodding, Charlie said, "Of course. This is my dream house and who doesn't dream of having secret passages and portraits where you can look out the eyes and spy on people?"

"What will Aragorn find," Pippin asked.

"You'll find out the next time you see him," said Charlie with a smirk. "In the mean time, I have work to do. So you four vamoose and let me do my work."

Once the four hobbits had left Charlie's Oval Office, she turned back to her laptop and continued her research. "Hm…" She clicked a few random links before doing a Google search. Charlie clicked a link and scrolled through some rubbish. "Eurika, I've found it!" she cried before smiling wickedly. "Oooh, this will be good."

* * *

Down in the basement, Aragorn edged his way through mountains upon mountains of junk. He peered around boxes and various unidentifiable objects. Finding a portrait of an old man with a Groucho Marx moustache, or any portrait for that matter, was near impossible. He couldn't even see the walls! Sighing, he picked up a large box of broken dishes and moved it. If he wanted to get anywhere, he was going to have to clean up the basement.

* * *

Back in Middle Earth, once again, Charlie turned to Burly in her jeep. "Okay. Here's the dealio. I'm going in there alone." She pointed to the woods before her. "When I give the signal, I want you to hit play on the CD player. Everything's already hooked up so make sure you have the ear plugs in before you turn it on. Otherwise these bad boys," she reached into the back seat and patted the **_massive_** speakers, "will make you go deaf."

"Right-o, Miss Willows," said Burly, nodding to show is understanding.

"Holy crap," Charlie said, breathlessly. "How many times can the Nauthorator's radio play Queen?" She shook her head to clear her thoughts and focused on the task at hand. "Anyway, I'm off."

"Good luck, Miss Willows," called Burly to Charlie's retreating back.

Once she was deep in the woods of Ithilien, Charlie looked around. "Well, here goes nothing," she said to herself. Taking a deep breath she screamed and ran about, crashing through the underbrush and making as much noise as humanly possible and making an overall idiot of herself.. Charlie stopped short when an arrow whizzed by her head and embedded itself into a tree. The shaft was mere inches from her nose.

"Who goes," called a deep voice from somewhere nearby.

"Uh… I go," she replied weakly. Charlie looked at the arrow in front of her and swallowed a lump in her throat. She had been very lucky. "I'm unarmed, I mean no harm, and I am very ill at ease at the moment."

"Who are you," barked a new voice somewhere to Charlie's left. "Why are you dressed so strangely? Why are you here? Who sent you?"

Charlie got the feeling that the man would have continued if another man hadn't called out to him. "Oh, shut up!"

"He has a point," commented the first speaker. "We know nothing about her. We should interrogate her."

"I say we kill her," said another voice.

"Whoa! Wait a minute," Charlie called. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No," all the men chorused.

"Damn," muttered Charlie.

Five minutes later, the men were still arguing. Charlie had settled down on the ground and began drawing patterns in the dirt with a stick.

"Someone go get Faramir and we'll ask him," one man said, causing Charlie to perk up a bit.

"That's the smartest thin you've said all day," another man called. "I'll go get him. You lot might get lost."

Exactly seven minutes, and fifty-two point six seconds later, the man came back with another man in tow. Of course, Charlie didn't know this until they spoke because they were all very well hidden and she had no idea where they were.

"I'm back," called the man to the others. "And Faramir is here as well."

"What is going on here," asked a voice Charlie recognized as Faramir's.

"We found that girl and couldn't decide whether we should kill her or interrogate her," someone called from behind Charlie.

There was a pause as if Faramir was looking at Charlie and trying to make a decision. Amazingly enough, that's exactly what he was doing.

"She looks like she might come from the same world as those two crazed girls we saw earlier," commented the man who had brought Faramir to see Charlie. This comment earned a shudder from Faramir.

"Perhaps we should kill her," muttered Faramir.

"Ah, wait," Charlie said desperately, standing up from her spot on the ground. "I have a neat trick to show you before I die."

There were some eyebrow raises which Charlie couldn't see because all the men were still hidden. "Go on then," Faramir said.

"You asked for it," she said with a grin. From her belt, she pulled out a flare gun and fired it. The flare rocketed into the sky and exploded into fireworks which clearly read, 'The Signal.'

There was a slight pause as the fireworks display faded away and the embers died and showered the forest. Then with deafening volume that shook the ground, Greensleeves blared thought the forest.

"ARGH!" Faramir dropped to his knees and covered his ears. "Not again! Not this song!" He rolled about on the ground while the other men scattered and ran, fearing for their lives.

"Let's vamoose," one of them cried over the music.

Putting away the flare gun, Charlie walked among the underbrush, looking for Faramir. She found him cowering on the ground, clutching his ears, trying to block out the music.

"The girls," muttered, curling into the fetal position and rocking back and forth. "The girls… dance… made me… this song… no… no more… not again…"

"Come on," Charlie said, hoisting him up and sagging under his weight as she tried to support him.. "Let's get you to the jeep."

* * *

**A/N: **I'm going to end it here.Vamoose is most definitely my new favorite word.

**Next week… er… whenever the nauthorator decides to update… on Hunting LOTR, Charlie goes after Boromir, Gandalf, and Gimli. Possibly Gollum too. And The big question on everybody's mind.. WILL ARAGORN MAKE IT TO THE BELL TOWER AND IF SO, WHAT WILL HE FIND? Find out in chapter eleven of Hunting LOTR.**

Okay, I took some of the advice given and I went to a LOTR forum and asked people who they would rent and what they would do to the character(s), I got some interesting responses… along with usual pervy ones (which I was expecting to get a lot more of). Now. I'm asking you, dear readers, other than Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli, Gollum, Eomer, and Eowyn, who should be dragged from their home in Middle Earth and forced to suffer the tortures of whatever my mind creates for them? Have a nice day!

Oh, and I got the Greensleeves idea from a website. I can't remember the URL but it was a great site, describing all kinds of Sues and what not and there was something about Sues getting injured and Faramir healing them before dancing with them to Greensleeves…. Yeah.

REVIEW! Please?


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Thank you to the lovely reviewers. You guys rock. There was some confusion as to who I mean by the fangirls that forced Faramir to listen to Greensleeves. They are the two girls that who fell on the hood of Charlie's jeep in one of the earlier chapters. They might appear later… or we'll just hear about them.

Poor Faramir indeed. I'm surprised his head didn't explode from having to listen to that damn song. I was listening to it while I wrote that scene and I thought I was going to die. Actually, it wasn't all that bad.

Thanks again to those of you that have reviewed. You've given me some interesting suggestions (Treebeard?) and I love you guys. Yay! Another Queen fan! Beatles too?

**Disclaimer:** If owned anything that was remotely related to the LOTR, my most prized possession would probably be something other than my new Beatles shirt. A Porsche maybe…?

* * *

_**Chapter Elven (Or Eleven)**_

Last time we left our… heroine. Nay, let us call her the protagonist. Well, I suppose you can't call her that either because she's antagonizing (agonizing being the keyword) Tolkien's character. Damn…

Last time we left Charlie, she had tormented poor Faramir and then set off for various other characters. Who, you may ask, is she going to catch next? For the sake of suspense, I won't tell you.

"Where should we go now," Burly asked, ignoring the traumatized Faramir. The man of Gondor sat in the back of the jeep, rocking back and forth, mumbling about the tortures of Greenseleeves.

"I don't know," shrugged Charlie, leaning back in her seat to relax. "Just drive and we'll go wherever the jeep takes us."

"What about the other drivers," he asked, as the jeep splashed through a river, completely soaking all three of them.

Wiping her sodden hair from her face, Charlie turned to Burly and spat out a large fish. "Could you possibly _warn_ me the next time you're about to go through a river?" He nodded and Charlie continued. "I didn't know we had other drivers with us this time. They weren't at all mentioned in the previous chapter."

"Oh, that's because the nauthator or nautharator, she can't quite make up her mind which, forgot about them two chapters ago and is only remembering them now." Charlie raised an eyebrow at the muscle-bound man who was reading the cue cards being held by the people they passed. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I wasn't supposed to read those last few. Apparently I should have said that the other men in the other jeeps were having a coffee break in Minas Tirith."

Burly smiled and nodded and Charlie raised both eyebrows with confusion. "Umm… okay. Hey, isn't that the Golden Wood?"

"I don't know," shrugged Burly. "I've never read the books."

Pulling out her shopping list and the Lord of the Rings trilogy from her glove compartment, Charlie began to cross reference. A few of the characters she was after would be in Lorien.

"How Sueishly convenient," she mused before waving away the thought. "Onward!"

The jeep roared off across the land, the three others following close behind but serving no real purpose. Before long, Burly stopped the metal monster in front of the line of trees, cutting off his conversation with Charlie about high gas prices and what a wondrous thing it was that they didn't seem to ever use any while in Middle Earth.

"I still think that whenever we go through the portal, the tank magically refills itself," Charlie said stubbornly as the jeep pulled to a halt. "Or maybe it has something to do with aliens…"

Thinking his employer might be losing her mind after all the dimension hopping, Burly merely ignored her remark and said, "We're here. Now what?"

Charlie sat in thought for a moment, chewing some gum and blowing large bubbles. "I dunno. I'm kinda running out of ideas which means so is the nauthator and she controls our lives so…" Charlie trailed off and shrugged, blowing a bubble with her gum.

"Right." Burly glanced at the woods and then back at his employer. "So, who are you trying to catch?" He reached over and poked Charlie's bubble, popping it with his sausage-like index finger.

"Ew." Charlie gave him a dirty look before continuing. "Haldir and his brothers, to answer your question."

"Oh…" Burly trailed off as he popped another one of Charlie's bubbles.

"STOP POPPING MY DAMN BUBBLES OR I'LL STICK MY GUM UP YOUR…" Charlie trailed off and forgot the use of caps locks momentarily. She stared at Burly with an awed expression on her face. "You just gave me an idea! Do you know what this means," she exclaimed gleefully.

"Um… pay raise," asked Burly, hope evident in his voice.

"No." Burly's shoulders slumped. "It just means you gave me an idea."

Turning to his employer, Burly looked at her warily. "When _do_ I get paid?"

"Uh…." Charlie cast around for something to say. Anything would do!" "When… the blue moon rises and monkeys lay eggs," she said, trying to sound mysterious.

"Oh. Okay, then." Burly seemed content with answer.

Quickly, Charlie jumped out of the jeep. "Right. Well, I'll be on my way. Bye-bye now!" And she ran off into the Golden Wood, hurrying to be as far from Burly as possible when he finally figured out what she had said.

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry it took so long to get up and it's so short. My muse temporarily died and when she was finally revitalized, I had written a ton more, and was planning on actually have the capture of Haldir and his brothers in this chapter, not to mention what Aragorn's up to, but Microsoft Works doesn't work. I made the mistake of not saving it every five seconds, so when there was an "error" I lost A LOT of the shapter. Then I wept.

Anyway, the next chapter will be out soon. I hope. I'm starting work soon so I might not update as often as I like but I'll try tomake them regular. **Future characters to be kidnapped: Haldir, his brothers, Eowyn, Eomer, Gandalf, and Gimili. If there are others you'd like to see, please review and tell me.**

**_Would you like to be mention in the story? I'll need to know the following..._**

**Name: **Real name, Pen name, nickname, made-up name, cat's name. Doesn't really matter, it just has to be what you want to be called.

**Character: **Which character are you renting? It can be one of the characters that will be caught in a coming chapter or another one.

**Purpose:** What are you doing with that character? Naughty things are probably going to be forbidden, other wise FF will murder me in my sleep. I might allude to it so if you want something sexual, mention it but make sure you have a back up.

**You:** Just a little tid-bit about what kind of person you are. (i.e. I'm happy-go-lucky. i.e. I'm just like Snape)

Thank you, and have a nice day!


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **I am SO sorry for the delay. There really is no excuse for it. The only pathetic and feeble attempt I can offer you is; my muse died and I had to find a new one. They just don't make them like they used to.

Enjoy!

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_**Chapter Elvetway**_

Charlie walked cautiously through the forest, looking around for any signs of the elves she needed. Burly had parked the jeep on the edge of Lorien and was once again flipping though his favorite teen girl magazine. Currently he was reading an issue that had to do with the ten most important things in a relationship. Charlie briefly wondered if it was healthy for a grown man to be reading teen magazines.

"Damn it!" She stomped her foot angrily and pouted while crossing her arms. It was the perfect example of a two-year-old's temper tantrum. "Where are those elves?" Looking around the forest she called out, "Ollie, Ollie oxen free! You can come out now!"

Nothing.

Suddenly, an idea came to her and she pulled a light bulb from her pocket, holding it over her head and turning it on. _Bing!_ The light flickered and went out. She stuck her tongue out at it before throwing it over her shoulder.

Then she cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox!"

Charlie turned in a circle to see if the elves had taken their cue. To her surprise, they had. To her misfortune, she had an arrow pointed up her nose. "If you're planning on picking my nose for me, would you mind using your finger instead of a sharp, pointed object that would clearly not fit up there comfortably?"

Haldir furrowed his brow and glanced over to his brothers. Rumil and Orophin shrugged. "Who are you," the elf demanded, turning back to Charlie.

"I am..." Charlie's mind groped for something good to say. "A powerful sorceress!"

"Oh," said Haldir. "Well, Galadriel doesn't much like competition so I think I should shoot you now and get over with."

Charlie's jaw hit the floor. She quickly picked it up and reattached it. "Please don't!"

"Please do," contradicted Rumil, looking at Haldir. "She smells most offensive!"

"Hey!" Charlie turned and glared at him! "You would too if your driver kept splashing through rives and making it rain fishes, which also happens to be the name of a great Thai restaurant in my hometown. They have the best Pad Thai and peanut sauce. Yum!"

Once again the three elves exchanged confused looks. "What is Pad Thai," asked Rumil.

"Oh, it's quite good," said Orophin, nodding. "The Lady brought some home once when she and Celeborn went to--" He stopped when he saw the looks Charlie, Rumil, and Haldir were giving him. He coughed into his hand and looked away uncomfortably, mumbling under his breath.

"Right," said Charlie loudly. "I'm just going to go see Galadriel now."

"Hold it right there." Haldir poked her in the nose with the arrow again. "The Lady doesn't like competition so you're toast, sorceress."

"Sorceress?" Charlie gave a nervous laugh. "Did I say I'm a sorceress? I meant a Sorceress Saleswoman. I sell equipment for the not-so-modern sorceress, witch, mage, and ogre."

"Ogres," questioned Rumil, raising a skeptical eyebrow. Rumil was curious but that eyebrow of his was the skeptical one. Damn cynic.

"That's right," she said matter-of-factly, talking more to his eyebrow than him. "Ogres are starting to dabble in the magical arts. They're not very good though and they don't know much about the supplies so I can get away with selling the stuff for far more than it's worth."

"I don't believe you. I want proof," said Haldir, looking at her through narrowed eyes. "Show me your business card."

"Not a problem." Charlie reached into her shirt pocket and pulled out a card, thanking her lucky stars she had decided to take up door to door sales as a hobby. "Charlie Willows, magic supplies extraordinaire." She reached up and tipped the imaginary hat atop her head.

"Very well," Haldir said slowly. "Walk this way." He turned and walked off into the forest taking large steps and hoping on every third step.

"Ooh," she squealed, clapping her hands. "Follow the leader! My favorite!"

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**A/N: **Okay. I know it's very short but please forgive me. This is just a little something to get everyone and myself back into the story. The next one will have more, I promise!! 


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